


disappear into the sun

by violentlyout



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Road Trips, Slow Burn, SuperCorp, canon-compliant up to 2.12 sans any Mon-El/Kara relationship, no Daxam plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2018-12-24 12:47:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violentlyout/pseuds/violentlyout
Summary: Supergirl disappears from National City. Coincidentally, Lena and Kara disappear from National City as well. They try to leave behind as much as they can, but some tragedies can't help but follow you.





	1. Retreat

**Author's Note:**

> The start of the road trip.

_THE DAILY PLANET_

_Supergirl Retreats_

_BREAKING NEWS: After several troubling months for National City, Supergirl has announced her hiatus from "hero duties," citing personal reasons. In a CatCo interview exclusive, the troubled Kryptonian refused to divulge further details on the duration or location of her planned absence. Probed further on the reason for her sabbatical, Supergirl provided a statement:_

"National City has provided a home for me that I never thought I would be able to find again. In return, I tried to be the hero that it deserved, but I signed up for a job I'm not able to handle. The events of the last few months have shown me that much. It's been a privilege to serve this city, and it is only with a heavy heart that I step aside for now. I hope to return once I've proven to myself that I can serve the city to my greatest abilities."

_Supergirl dispelled concerns about a lack of safety in the city by placing her trust in up-and-coming hero Valor, who will be assisted by Supergirl's mysterious team. National City can rest easy knowing their safety is not at risk, but their idol may not be returning any time soon. An anonymous CatCo source confided that the hero's confidence was shaken after several recent failures, and was frequently seeking advice from apparent mentor Cat Grant, CatCo Media mogul and self-titled "creator" of Supergirl. Cat Grant's only comment on this was to request the name of the anonymous source within CatCo, stating she would be quickly reducing the headcount of her office._

_This is National City's second loss of a major public figure, after last week's announcement that L-Corp CEO Lena Luthor would be taking a leave of absence to continue research and development on a project under wraps. While there is no doubt that Luthor is constantly working to advance her company's mission of innovation, rumors have arisen that her absence is more closely linked with last month's incident in Holliday Square—_

"Kara."

Her concentration broke as Lena brought her hand gently down on the glaring white of Kara's phone. She gulped guiltily, clicking her phone off and sliding into the pocket of her worn jeans. Lena hasn't looked away from the road at all, but Kara could see a smile pulling at the corners of her lips.

"You know, the scenery is more than interesting enough. Certainly more interesting than whatever drivel _The Daily Planet_ 's putting out today."

A lump rose in Kara's throat, but fighting past it, Kara countered, "My cousin does work there, you know."

Lena laughed. "Ah, I could never forget the impossibly charming and self-righteous Clark Kent. I met the two of you the same day, remember—he walked into my office like he was about to repossess it. He may not like me very much, but I got you out of the bargain, so I can't really complain."

Kara ducked her head, smiling. She hadn't been sure what to expect from Lena, not today, nor when Lena suggested this road trip. Her first email had been terse: a detailed itinerary, complete with mileage requirements per day and a schedule of driving shifts. Seventeen emails after that, they had agreed upon a significantly looser plan, with no end date or destination in sight. (Kara inwardly thanks Lena again for this; she didn’t want to lay eyes on National City again for a while, and while she still feels the guilt for taking her best friend from her life's work, she constantly reminds herself that this trip was Lena's plan, the vacation that she hadn't taken in ten years.) Lena's been the driving force behind this trip, providing the transportation, the plan, and even buying Kara's favorite snacks. All Kara had to do was show up.

__________

 

She almost regretted agreeing to the trip when she woke up at 5 this morning. She had stumbled blindly through her apartment, eyes stuck closed from sleep, to open her door to half a dozen bagels and a tight-lipped Lena.

"Good morning. I thought perhaps bringing some food would make the early morning a bit better."

Kara squinted in confusion at her until panic sparked in her chest. "Oh, right! Gosh, Lena, I'm so sorry, I had an alarm set but I think I knocked it over and turned it off, I promise I'll be ready in just a moment, I just have to pack some last-minute things and I'll be all set."

"It's fine, we don’t have to stick exactly with the schedule. Just make sure you eat, I'll make some coffee for us." The brunette had barely made eye contact with Kara while saying this, quickly turning into the kitchen and busying herself with the espresso machine she had gotten Kara for Christmas.

Kara, taken aback, nodded and turned on a heel to pack. Walking into her bedroom, she hesitated, closed the door, and used her speed to rapidly finish packing her tattered suitcases, until stopping right before her closet.

Her Supergirl suit swung gently, isolated on its hanger. She blinked, vision suddenly blurring, staring at her sigil. It seemed smaller than usual. Should she bring it? Would she even need it? What would happen if she just left it here? She reached for it, hesitating just before her fingers brushed the fabric.

Lena looked up as Kara entered the room, silently holding up her travel mug. She had gotten through half of her strawberry cream cheese-smeared bagel, but had clearly abandoned it in favor of coffee.

"I still can't believe you mix fruit flavors like that. Strawberry and blueberry don't go together. Blueberry doesn't go with anything," Kara teased gently, taking the mug from Lena and sipping.  
Lena said nothing in response. Kara looked at her more closely—she was slightly less put-together than usual, with flyaways dotting her normally sleek ponytail and rumpled hoodie covering a shirt that Kara _knew_ Lena had already worn this week. Lena's eyes were bloodshot, and even perhaps a bit red-rimmed, almost as if—

"Ready to go?" Lena interrupted her train of thought, curtly picking up her mug and phone, leaving Kara with the rest of the bagels.

"Yep. Yeah. Definitely. Let me just grab everything, I'll bring it down."

Kara struggled to avoid crushing her bagels as she dragged the suitcases downstairs to Lena's Tesla, swinging the bags into the trunk and wincing at the contrast between the quality of Lena's car and her luggage. She bounced up to the front seat and slid in, happily cramming half of a cinnamon raisin bagel into her mouth and grinning at Lena. Lena glanced at her and rolled her eyes at the blonde's chipmunk cheeks, "I don't really feel like making you choke at the moment, so please swallow that before I put the car into gear."

"Af uh momen'," Kara mocked back, chewing and finally swallowing her messy breakfast. "Is that a 'we'll see about later?'" She stopped speaking, going cold as she watched Lena blink in surprise. She wasn’t supposed to be _flirting_ with her best friend at 5:15 AM. She wasn’t supposed to be flirting with her at all, that's just not how their friendship worked, it was just a stupid joke that didn't go over well. She coughed and quickly changed the subject. "Ah, what's our first stop, again? I'm not so good at remembering itineraries."

Lena smirked, the first genuine smile Kara had seen on her face since....well, she can't actually remember. "Why, El Dorado, of course."

  
__________

 

"Kara. Hello? Earth to Kara."

Kara startled out of her stupor, color rising to her cheeks as she recognized that she hadn't been paying attention to Lena again.

"What is going on with you? You've been distracted since we got on the road this morning. Did you forget something? We can probably pick it up in the next town."

Kara shook her head, embarrassed that she had been caught again. "It's honestly nothing. I'm just feeling guilty. Like I should be doing something else, not running away from my problems."  
Lena seemed to ponder this for a minute, worrying her lip as she changed lanes. "I wouldn't say this is running away from your problems, this is a way of dealing with them, just like anything else. Some people choose to ignore problems, some people choose therapy, some people take an extended road trip across the country with their best friend. Who's to say which way is the best?"

Kara attempted a half-hearted smile, but faltered. "I just feel like I have more responsibilities than I can afford to run away from. I don't know if I'm making the right choice. I don't want people to think I'm fragile, like I can't handle stress or problems or failure, like I'm not the hero they can rely on. I can't do everything, I'm only one person, and even if I am--"

Kara cuts herself off, realizing what she's saying. Before she can backtrack and try to cover up, Lena steps in.

"Hey, we're here. Mind helping me get the backpacks out of the trunk?"

Kara looks out the front window to glimpse "Entering Eldorado National Forest" just as it falls behind them. Lena drives carefully over the gravel to a parking spot, tutting when she sees no evidence of an electric car charger. Kara opened her window, twisting her body to get a good look outside. The smell of pine wafted past her, coming from the Douglas firs that darkened the forest beyond. The bottoms of clouds were scraped by the mountains in the distance, clustered and jagged, but softened by a rug of trees and grass and snow. It was quiet, and it was beautiful.

"What do you think?" asked Lena softly. "Good first stop?"

Kara turned to her wordlessly and nodded. Perfect first stop.

__________

 

"Kara?" Knocking on Kara's door continues to go unanswered. "Kara, I read the news. Are you okay? I saw the interview and I know it didn't go as well as you'd hoped, but I brought pizza and ice cream."

Alex, quickly realizing that Kara won't be opening the door, slipped her hand into her pocket and unlocked the door. Tentatively setting the food on the counter, she stepped lightly into Kara's room, going over to the pile of blankets on the bed to wake up her sister. "Kara? Honey, I know it's been bad lately, but you're going to be okay. I promise people will forgive you, okay, you just need to actually get outside." Placing her hand gently on the blankets, she attempted to shake Kara awake—until there was no Kara under the blankets. She tore the blankets off the bed, searching for the hero, and only now noticing that drawers were open and clothes scattered across the floor. The closet door was slightly ajar. Alex opened the door and laid eyes on the one item left in Kara's closet.

Her suit.

"Shit."


	2. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hike, a campfire, and a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: descriptions of destruction

_CATCO WORLDWIDE MEDIA_

_Local hero Valor resues eight from drowning, disrupts riots in Starcast Village_

 

_Valor is living up to his name today, rescuing eight locals from Rathaway Harbor after a bridge collapse. One young child was hospitalized for possible exposure symptoms, but was discharged with no complications. No other injuries were reported. Investigations into the collapse are currently being conducted, but National City police chief Adler reports there are signs of tampering with bridge supports._

_This wasn't Valor's only heroic moment today; a quick jump over to Starcast Village had the hero in diplomat mode when a riot erupted at a local Greek festival. A small group clad in expressionless masks disrupted the peace with bullhorns, chanting about the end of days; when confronted with festival representatives asking them to leave, one man struck out with a nightclub, knocking one man to the ground. Valor arrived with a backup team and quickly separated the groups, leading to the rioters' rapid dispersal. No suspects were taken into custody and the reason for the disruption is unknown._

_–CCWM-_

Kara and Lena spent the first two hours of their time at the campsite trying to set up their tent. It hadn't felt like two hours, and it wasn't like either of them had really thought about it—it was just that, neither of them had ever had to set up a tent in their lives. Jeremiah had set up the tent all three times Kara had gone camping with the Danvers, and Lena demurred in response to Kara's questions about her outdoors experience, explaining only that Lionel and Lillian had detested anything but 'glamping.' Lena laughed the entire way through Kara's struggle with inserting the last tent pole into its frame. (When Lena had been doubled over in hysterics, Kara cheated and forced the pole into position, straightening out the metal—it's not like they would be using it again after this disaster.) After finally putting their sleeping arrangements together, they spent the rest of their day hiking through the forest, stopping when they found a bare, dry view.

"I feel strange calling it beautiful, but I don't know if I have a different word for it," Lena commented in a hushed tone. "They look like they're caught in the middle of a dance, like they're performing for us."

Kara nodded as she looked up at the skeletal remains of trees in front of them. She knew of the wildfires—who didn't know, at this point—but she hadn't seen its effects in real time. The trees were in stasis around her, seeming unaffected by the wind; they resembled many-legged monsters, stretching across the sky, parched and dying. She tried to imagine the fire around her—the smoke would be the worst part, she thought, more solid than it appeared and leaving evidence in her hair, her clothes, her eyes, long after it had dispersed.

  _Dust fills her nostrils, blankets her vision. Even she can't see through this; her blindness is inescapable. She staggers forward, hands out, hitting nothing as she takes several fumbling steps. She trips on debris and looks down, but sees nothing. She knows there is screaming, she knows there are cries and people calling for her, but she can't hear them as well as she normally can. Maybe the dust is filling her ears as well. Or maybe, she just doesn’t want to hear them. Maybe she can't listen to them anymore, because she can't help them._

The hero breathed in sharply, still able to smell the acrid smoke hanging in the air. Lena was looking at her— why was Lena staring at her so strangely? —but said nothing until Kara put a hand to her face, wetness coming off of her fingers.

"Do you want to go?" Lena was more concerned than she needed to be, it wasn't a big deal, it was just a lot to take in, she couldn't stop thinking about it—

 

"Yeah. If that's okay."

 

____________

 

They had returned in silence to the campsite, and Lena, belying her previous lack of experience, had started a fire. Evening came quickly, encouraged by the dark depths of forest and sun-swallowing mountains, and Kara brought out their packed dinners. The two ate slowly until Lena broke out a bag of marshmallows with a smile. "I promise I brought more than enough to feed your appetite," she teased, nudging Kara's foot with her own.

A smile inched onto Kara's face, growing when Lena pulled out a hefty package of Kara's favorite gourmet chocolate. The reporter's enthusiasm had returned, and she bounced off to find "perfect s'mores sticks, they're necessary, Lena." (Lena knew this would be her trump card.)

Lena stuck her first marshmallow into the fire, glaring at it until it caught fire. She left it there until it blackened, then pulled it out. She ripped the worst of the char off and smashed it between two graham crackers and a chunk of chocolate. As she bit into her messy dessert, she made eye contact with a horrified Kara.

"Are you serious?"

"Whah? Abah whah?"

"Lena, you just _destroyed_ a marshmallow and _ate it._ You just committed a literal felony."

Rolling her eyes in amusement, Lena swallowed. "This was the quickest way to make it melt. I'm nothing if not efficient."

Kara looked as if she was about to turn tail into the woods. "None of these marshmallows hurt you! You're doing an injustice to the world of s'mores. You don't _deserve_ s'mores. I—" Kara paused, clearly speechless at Lena's sins. "Can I at least give you one good s'more so you know what you're doing wrong?"

 Smirking, Lena gestured at the fire, signaling Kara to do whatever she wished.

She sat back as the blonde determinedly stuck two marshmallows onto her "perfect" s'mores stick. Kara crinkled her forehead in concentration as she held the marshmallows just over the hottest part of the log, rotating them slowly. Lena almost laughed aloud when Kara barely caught the corner of one marshmallow on fire, hurriedly blowing it out from her seat and stealing glances at Lena. After a full three minutes, Kara had constructed two Food Network-worthy s'mores, presenting the less flawed one to Lena with a flourish.

Propping her chin on her hand, Lena inclined her head toward the snack. "Do you see what I mean about it taking too long?"

"Hush. Patience is a virtue. Eat my masterpiece and be shamed," Kara snarked back.

Lena delicately took the s'more from Kara and, after a final insistent look, she bit in. She hated to admit it, but Kara was indeed correct; the marshmallow was melted all the way through, and the heat on the exterior had even managed to melt the chocolate. She chewed thoughtfully and stoically, refusing to give up for as long as possible. Swallowing, she looked up at Kara from beneath her lashes, and smiled apologetically.

"Okay, fine, you were ri—"

"HA!" Kara leapt up, pointing directly into Lena' face and making her crosseyed. "You said I'm right! I was right. You were wrong. I'm a better cook than you are."

"Okay, that seems like it's pushing it, Miss I-can't-work-my-oven-correctly-"

"No, this was the final test. I'm definitely a better cook than you are."

Lena stared at her defiantly and Kara matched her gaze. They held eye contact for several moments until Lena arched one eyebrow to an exaggerated degree. Kara giggled, sparking both women into laughter.

They continued laughing and making s'mores into the night until they finally settled into a comfortable quiet. Kara was hunched over, mesmerized by the fire, when Lena cleared her throat and broke the silence.

"You know, Kara, you don't have to be strong all the time."

Kara blinked up at her, uncertainty in her expression.

"You were saying in the car that you felt like you were running away, like there wasn't a right choice for you to make. You don't always have to make the right choices. No one is ever able to always be right, and you can't be some impenetrable wall of moral fortitude. That isn't your job, it's not even possible."

Kara straightened at this point, and looked ready to interrupt Lena to explain herself, but Lena pushed on.

"If you keep expecting yourself to be able to carry on without being vulnerable, or letting yourself break down every once in a while, you'll burn out. You're allowed to stop being so incredibly and perfectly reliable and strong all the time, every once in a while. The world won't fall apart if you can't hold yourself together."

The blonde's mouth closed as she ducked her head, avoiding eye contact with Lena.

Lena took a deep breath, and spoke once more.

"Not even you can do everything, Supergirl."

Lena looked down quickly, but Kara's sharp intake of breath told her exactly what was running through her mind.

"How did you know?"

 

____________

 

_Lena knows that drinking isn't the way to solve your problems, but it usually helps. It was certainly helping right now, she muses, sipping her bourbon as she watches the evening news._

_"Emergency services were on the scene today after the collapse of the Stagg Enterprises Tower in Holliday Square. An explosion rocked the building at approximately 3 PM near the top floor, with localized collapses of floors beginning soon after. Supergirl quickly arrived on the scene and attempted to save the building from falling, but ensuring the safety of passerby became her first priority. Supergirl guided at least 200 people out of the radius of the total collapse before the building fell, but was unable to prevent debris from falling on several first responders. Firefighters and police officers are currently searching the remains of the building for survivors. We go to Lana Lang now, live at the aftermath of this afternoon's catastrophe..."_

_Lena hits the mute button on the remote as Lana appears on the screen. The camera pans across the destruction, settling on a blue and red figure standing in its path. Supergirl's thousand-yard stare pierces her—the hero has nothing left in her eyes. She looks smaller than she usually does; Lena realizes it's rare for her not to see Supergirl in her typical superhero stance on television. The hero turns around onscreen, and Lena imagines herself feeling what Supergirl must feel right now: unmanageable guilt, gripping her heart in the face of destruction. She feels a pang in her chest; no one, not even someone who signed up for their duties, should have to watch the world fall apart in front of them. She clicks off the television, disturbed, and moves to go into her bedroom. She stops._

_Supergirl is standing on her balcony._

_It's been pouring rain since 5 PM, and it looks like Supergirl has been in the rain since it began. Her hair is bedraggled, dripping down her soaked suit and falling to her boots. There is a tear in the side of her suit—perhaps a piece of debris had caught it when she was near the building earlier—and a dark red gash mars the skin below. Her hands are closed into fists, and Lena can see her white knuckles shaking from where she stands. Supergirl is looking down, barely holding up her head, as if the weight of the Stagg Tower is still pressing on her shoulders._

_Lena rushes to the door, opening the sliding glass and unthinkingly grabbing Supergirl's wrist and pulling her inside. She looks her up and down, tries to catch the Kryptonian's eye, but her eyes are shut tightly. Lena isn't sure what to say._

_The hero starts to shake. She says something inaudible, and begins repeating it. Lena almost asks her to speak up, but shuts her mouth and grabs a blanket off the couch instead. Throwing the blanket across Supergirl's shoulders, she tries to help dry her off and warm her up at the same time. She idly wonders if Supergirl even feels the cold, or if it's merely an inconvenience for her. Her fingers trace across the tear in her suit, and she looks down. The wound in Supergirl's side is healing before her eyes, as if the skin is stitching itself together. She internally marvels at the alien ability before her, and realizes that the wound must have been much larger before Supergirl had flown here._

_"I'm sorry."_

_Lena shakes herself out of her medical puzzling and makes eye contact with the broken woman in front of her. Her speech has finally become audible, and Supergirl repeats herself over and over again, struggling to maintain eye contact with Lena._

_"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."_

_Supergirl's eyes are bloodshot, red, swollen; Lena can see grief etching lines near the hero's eyes. She attempts to gently pull the hero over to the couch, to try and sit her down, to ask why she came_ here _, of all places, but isn't able to get the woman to budge. Instead, Supergirl slowly sinks to the ground, all the while repeating her apology like a mantra, like every time she says it, the world stitches back together. Lena kneels with her, pushing the blonde's hair behind her ears, trying to make sense of what's going on. It's an unexpected intimacy, touching the Kryptonian; her skin is warmer than the average person, even soaked to the bone, and Lena is closer than she would normally be even with a friend. She finally speaks, louder than the mantra currently echoing through her apartment._

_"Supergirl. Please. Are you alright? Is there something I can do? I saw the news, I just..."_

_She trails off, uncertain of how to confront the sheer heartbreak in front of her. Supergirl stops her chanting, locking blue eyes with green, and whispers once more—this time, it feels meant only for her:_

_"I'm sorry. I didn't know. You have to know, I didn't know."_

_Supergirl falls. Her body shakes with sobs, and her head plummets toward the ground, a place that Supergirl seems to think she deserves, until Lena pulls it toward her lap. The Kryptonian shudders in her embrace, and Lena feels tears and rainwater seeping into her clothes. She begins to stroke the hero's hair, uncertain of what else to do._

_"Shh. Shhhh. I know. It's okay. I know you didn't know," Lena murmurs, trying to comfort the hero through whatever tragedy it is she's dealing with._

_The superhero cries harder, if that's possible, and in an anguished whisper, asks, "Please, Lena, you have to know I didn't mean to."_

_Shocked at the casual use of her name by Supergirl, Lena stutters in her comfort, but continues reassuring the other woman until her cries begin to give way to exhaustion. As Supergirl's breathing begins to even out, Lena ruminates over the deliberate use of her first name, trying to figure out what it is that incited the personal plea. Suddenly, several puzzle pieces click into place, and she looks down in wonder at the now sleeping superhero._

_"....Kara?"_

____________

 

"You weren't there when I woke up," Lena commented casually, as if she hadn't just told her best friend that she knew her biggest secret. "I figured it out once you had fallen asleep."

Kara looked stricken, fearing the worst. "Lena. Please. I hadn't figured out how to tell you yet, and then with the Stagg building and everything that happened, I just didn't know what to say, I'm so sorry, I wish I could have done something, I didn't know what had happened and there was only so much I could do—" Kara spoke rapidly now, her words falling over each other as tears threatened to fall from her eyes. "I need to tell you again, and again. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please..."

Lena looked at her compassionately. "Kara, I understand. You were a true hero that day, you saved so many people, I can't begin to understand what you're going through. Please stop apologizing. I know there was nothing you could do."

She cleared her throat, and continued in a much quieter voice.

 

"You couldn't have known my mother would be in the building that day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I probably should clarify: this is not a fluffy fic. I'll definitely have some lighter moments, like my happy lil s'mores scene, but there's some dark stuff that Lena and Kara need to talk about and work through. Hope you enjoyed the longer chapter! You can find me on [tumblr](http://lesbiansupporter.tumblr.com) here, where I blog too much about Supergirl and get obsessed with character analysis.


	3. Sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara seeks out solace and isn't sure what she finds. Lena lets her curiosity get the better of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Captain Exposition here. This chapter is a lot of laying out things necessary for the story, so I hope banter and science make up for that.

_One month ago:_

_THE NATIONAL CITY SENTINEL_

_Three days after Stagg Tower's collapse, first responders and volunteers have concluded their search of the wreckage. The collapse and resulting aftermath resulted in the deaths of 53 people, including six first responders, with 18 civilians still in critical condition. These numbers are a tragedy, but also indicate the mercy and luck that visited National City on that fateful day. Over 2,400 people worked in Stagg Tower on any given day, and the building's location in the bustling Holliday Square would have indicated a far greater tragedy were it not for the heroics of the fire department, police department, and of course, Supergirl. Unfortunately, the greatest tragedies are yet to come for many National City residents, as families and friends are brought in to identify their loved ones. CEO Lena Luthor of L-Corp empathizes with this grief; her mother was one of the first identified, found on the second floor of the building where the explosion is thought to have originated. Luthor, in an outstanding display of generosity, has offered to pay the hospital and funeral costs for all those affected by the destruction, and provided a brief statement to CatCo Worldwide Media:_

_"My heart is broken not only by the loss of my mother, but the loss of so many lives in this horrifying incident. I want to help ameliorate some of the stress that falls on families in the wake of this tragedy, and bring peace to those who lost their lives. I commend the first responders, the firefighters and police officers and Supergirl, all of whom showed the true spirit of National City by reacting so quickly and saving as many as they did. I merely wish to do my part in passing on the kindness and selflessness I have seen in this city."_

_Supergirl has not been sighted since the incident, inciting concern after her injury from the building, but confidential sources have informed us that Supergirl is taking a break due to her own grief. Investigations into the cause of the explosion continue, but no reports will be made public until after all casualties from the collapse are identified. A vigil to honor and remember the victims of Stagg Tower will be held in Holliday Square tonight at 9 PM, sponsored by L-Corp. Police encourage every person who is affected by the tower's collapse to attend, but caution entering from the west side, as several 'apocalypse advocates' wearing masks and carrying weapons have recently been sighted nearby. For more information about the vigil, please subscribe to the Sentinel's newsletter or follow us on Twitter at @NationalCitySentinel._

_—NCSentinel—_

Kara breathed in deeply and relaxed her shoulders as best she could. The yolk of the sun hung low in the sky, bringing a gentle glow to the tips of the trees, and she could feel the warmth finally beginning to seep into her cheeks as the morning began. Kara had never been able to explain what the sun meant to her, only that it made her feel safe, and strong, and warm. It quieted her thoughts by filling her, filling the holes this world had left in her armor and her mind. Well, she mused, it used to. Sunlight hadn't been able to touch the gaping maw of guilt in her chest; it couldn't fix the mistakes she had made. Even the sun couldn't forgive her for what she'd done, how was she supposed to accept it from Lena? From anyone who had been affected by what she had done? What kind of hero was she supposed to be, if she couldn't...

Kara's mind stuttered as she tuned back into her surroundings, listening for something out of place. She was so caught up in her thoughts, she hadn't noticed the change in ambient sound—the bugs were still buzzing and one annoyed dog was barking in the distance, but the nearby robin had flown away, clearly startled by something. Intent on detecting the difference before she opened her eyes, she heard steady breathing, small shifts in position on the undergrowth, a heartbeat—Lena's heartbeat.

Kara looked to her right and smiled at the woman before her. Lena sat in a position mimicking Kara's own: legs crossed, hands palm down on knees, and head tilted up toward the sun. Lena opened one eye slightly to peek at Kara, and, meeting her eyes, shut it quickly again, a smile playing along her lips. After a few moments, Lena intoned, "Ohhhhhhmmmmmm....."

"Oh stop. I wasn't even doing that, you're just being dramatic." 

"Me? Dramatic? I would _never_ , Kara Danvers. How dare you accuse someone of my status of being a drama queen?" Lena opened her eyes fully and glared at Kara, but her smile contradicted her scowl.

"Your words, not mine, Luthor." Kara held up her hands in a show of surrender. Her smile was still present, but half-hearted; she had gone to bed last night shortly after Lena revealed that she knew her secret, and she still hadn't figured out how they were going to address it.

Lena looked as if she were going to say something, but changed her mind and scooted over to Kara until she could press her shoulder up against the hero's, as if to say: I know things are different now, but we don't have to talk about it yet. Kara leaned into her touch, and the two sat together for a minute or two, not looking at each other, just watching the sunlight weave through the clouds.

Lena stood up, brushing the leaves off of her pants, and offered Kara a hand. As she pulled her up, she squeezed Kara's hand, her grasp lingering for a moment as Kara got her bearings. Lena, after brief internal justification that it was perfectly normal to hold hands with your best friend, kept her grip on Kara's hand as they began to walk, finding a comfortable warmth in the Kryptonian. "I never took you as one for meditation, honestly. It seems like it's a little too quiet for your liking."

Kara began to swing their joined hands together as they walked along the path back to camp. "It wasn't really my idea to get into it in the first place. Alex is the one who thought of it. When I first... came here, I had a lot of nightmares. Loud ones. Alex wanted to stop being kept up at night, so she taught me how to meditate, and we would do it together every morning when the sun came up. I thought it was dumb at first, and it was a little overwhelming listening to everything, but I got the hang of it and it started to help me keep my mind—and my powers—under control. She tried to teach me yoga, too, but both of us eventually ditched it for running." She laughed at the memory, adding, "We raced constantly, but there was no way she could ever beat me, you know? It was just funny to see the look on her face."

Lena laughed, unintentionally drawing Kara a little closer to her as they walked. "It's cheating when you have superpowers, Kara."

Kara pouted. "It's not like I _asked_ to have them, it just happened to me. I would give anything for Alex to beat me one day." She said this lightheartedly, but Lena could see the subject was something Kara always had in the back of her mind. As if she had thought over and over again what it would like to be human, to not have to worry about what to do with her abilities. To not worry whether she was hurting or helping someone. Lena's thoughts wandered toward what this was like for Kara in relationships. Did she have to keep herself under control to keep from breaking someone? Was she more sensitive to touch? Had she been with anyone who could keep up with her, or was it restricted to—Lena stopped herself from saying anything, recognizing the potential awkwardness of the questions she wanted to ask. Not wanting to make Kara uncomfortable, she deliberately changed the subject.

"Ready to keep going? It's your turn to drive."

__________

 

Kara could feel Lena's eyes on her as they drove down the interstate, heading toward the Oregon border. They had just left the small town of—Kara sighed internally as she pictured Lena's smug face when they drove in—Weed, California. Lena's gloat had wilted as they visited the only significant attraction in town, however; the Weed Museum held only historical community treasures. They had been met by glares from locals who knew _exactly_ why they were here, and the man supervising the museum gave them a baleful look as they left fifteen minutes after entering. The two had burst into laughter upon leaving, breathlessly clutching onto one another. "I'm not letting you pick our random stops anymore," chided Kara, only to be met by more laughter from Lena as they hopped back into the car. The ride had been mostly uneventful since the hysterics had stopped, but Lena's thoughtful gaze hadn't left Kara for several minutes.

"Is there something on my face? I didn't really have time to wash my face this morning, and I also kinda forgot my face wash."

Kara's attempt at a joke was underlaid with a hint of nervousness, and she glanced over her sunglasses at Lena briefly to try and pinpoint her expression. Lena stared back, clearly trying to figure out whether she should say something or not.

"Do you need to wear sunglasses?" The question slipped out of her mouth like an accident, but once she had said it, Lena didn't look like she wanted to take it back. "It's just, I know Kryptonian powers come from the sun, so I didn't know if really you would need sunglasses because you can already see quite well and you've got such enhanced senses, it seems like sunglasses would be obsolete for you."

Kara smiled at the honesty of Lena's questioning; of course, Lena's first move upon having confirmation of Supergirl's identity would be to ask how everything worked. She was a scientist by training and by heart, her curiosity knew no bounds. "I don't really need them, no. It's more like a habit that I picked up. It looks a little strange to people on the beach, when they see someone who's able to stare into the sun without blinking." Kara answered, remembering the first time Alex had scolded her for a perceived attempt at blindness. She added, "I don't really need glasses, either."

"Well, I knew that. Not much of a disguise, Kara—an updo and glasses? You'd think your spy team could help you come up with something better."

"They're not really a spy team, and it worked on you for this long, didn't it? Besides, I don't need the glasses, but they help. I couldn’t deal with the sensory overload as a kid. I could see through everything and hear what everyone was saying all at once. Jeremiah, my adoptive father, he made these with lead, so they help restrict some of what I can see. They're like anti-glasses. Sort of."

Lena's eyes gleamed with the new information. "You can't see through lead?"

"Yeah, the enhanced vision is essentially X-ray vision. Lead's too dense for me to look through. There are a couple of other things at the lab I haven't been able to look through, but for the most part I'm all-powerful." Kara laughed a little and changed lanes, waiting for Lena to continue.

"It's also probably in part due to the Thomson effect. I wonder if you can see through any other superconductors. It's an interesting limit to your powers, I'd love to run a couple of tests—" Lena stopped suddenly. "Actually, I'm sorry, this is so invasive, isn't it? It's just I've never gotten to talk to someone about this kind of thing firsthand before, I don't exactly have a lot of sources. I promise I'm not trying to take over the world or anything, I'm not Lex." She forced a laugh, stiffening back into her seat and looking out the window.

"Lena," Kara murmured gently, "it's totally fine. Please ask questions. It's nice to actually talk about it with someone who understands the science of it. And isn't Alex." She took one hand off the steering wheel and placed it on Lena's knee, squeezing gently before removing it. "Fire away. I'm bulletproof, you know."

Lena's posture softened as she chuckled. "Oh, I know all about that part already. You've taken a few bullets for me—thanks again for that, by the way. What I don't totally understand is, how exactly do you fly? It's the only one of your powers that doesn't make sense to me—biomechanically there is no reason that I can see that gives you a way to fly."

Kara looked at her incredulously. "What, everything else makes perfect sense? Bulletproof skin, incredible strength and speed, _laser eyes_ , but flying doesn't make sense?"

"Well, yes. This is what I was trained to do, Kara, and to be honest, Lex had filled me in on some details of Superman's powers before he went completely off the rails. Your powers derive from the photonucleic effect, correct?"

Wrinkling her nose, Kara nodded. "Alex has used that phrase before. I think that sounds right, but we had different words and ways to understand everything on Krypton—the way you explain physics and physiology here has never made the same kind of sense to me."

Lena's expression told Kara that the discussion of science on Krypton wasn't over, but she continued, "The photonucleic effect essentially means that your different radiological signature is stabilized by the radiance of the yellow star that affects us, the sun. You become more powerful, your cells are denser and stronger, and you gain energy levels because your body has stabilized. That's also why kryptonite affects you so strongly, by the way—it's not organic like you are, so it doesn't stabilize under the yellow sun, it destabilizes and becomes radioactive. The radiation happens to be especially harmful towards you."

 The crinkle in Kara's forehead deepened as she considered the new information. "That would explain a lot. Alex never bothers to explain all of this, I think she thinks I don't care or something. Actually, a lot of people seem to think I'm not particularly science-oriented, but I was supposed to enter the science guild on Krypton. I was supposed to be like my father." Kara's expression darkened for a moment, but she shook it off. "As for the flying thing, I actually can answer that. Krypton had a much stronger gravitational pull than Earth, so part of it is that, but the rest of it is that I can feel the gravity around me. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's like I can push it around, I can control it. It's the first thing that goes away when I'm exhausted or if I solar flare though, so I pretty much have to be 'fully charged.'" Kara used one hand to make air quotes, rolling her eyes at her own battery comparison.

"Solar flare?" Lena queried, uncertain of the term; she had never heard Lex say anything of this, but it sounded painful.

Kara sighed. "Yeah. Solar flare. It's what Cl—it's what we call the heat vision thing, when we have to do it at full power. It basically expels all the solar energy in my body out, gets rid of my powers for a little bit." She breathed in deeply, and Lena could see a memory of pain etched in the tightness of her mouth. "It hurts. A lot."

Lena had never seen or heard of Supergirl doing this, but Kara clearly must have experienced it before. She cleared her throat before speaking again. "I'm sorry that you've ever felt that. I can't imagine the pain you must have been through."

Kara's expression contorted into something Lena didn't recognize for a moment; she had never seen such conflicting emotions on Kara's bright face, but she could have sworn she saw guilt, and grief, mixed in with unfathomable anger. It smoothed out before Lena could say anything, and Kara remarked lightly, "Wasn't great. But it's over now." 

They continued driving in quiet for a few moments. Kara seemed lost in thought, and was paying attention only to the road in front of her until Lena tapped her shoulder.

"Kara, look." 

Kara's eyes followed the direction Lena was pointing in. **Oregon Welcomes You** flashed past their car as they drove by, and suddenly Kara was pulling the car over at the nearest shoulder. She ignored Lena's confused questions and the sounds of her name being called as she turned off the Tesla, opening the door and sliding out of her seat.

She had left the state. She had finally left the place where all of her troubles had been. It wasn't as if she hadn't been able to leave before, and she had certainly flown across state lines before without even noticing, but this—this felt so real, so solidly and definitively _real_ in her chest. She got away. Her shoulders slumped and she started to laugh, shakily, as she turned to face the sun. She felt heat touching her skin, pushing in towards her center, and she would swear by Rao that she felt the sun fill up part of the grief-induced hole she had been feeling in her chest. She was still aching inside, but there was some relief from the pain, from the continuous guilt that had been eating away at her.

Perhaps she could find some forgiveness in the sun after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The science here is actually pretty accurate to canon, with a little bit of real stuff thrown in. I'm a major science lover so I'll be leaning on the science end of science fiction in this fic. Please let me know in the comments if you enjoyed it, if you have constructive criticism, or if you have any questions for me! You can find me on [tumblr](http://lesbiansupporter.tumblr.com) here, where I reblog vine compilations and shout into the void.


	4. Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Lena make it to Portland, and begin to see each other in a new light. Meanwhile, National City is going through cold, dark times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this fic is not dead! Sorry, the last month was consumed by job searches, job interviews, and finally job offers/acceptances! I'm finishing up my first week of my new job so I'll be posting regularly now--I'll try to keep regular updates up to date. I'm planning on at least posting a chapter every Thursday, and hopefully every Sunday also. But, to make up for it, here's an extra long chapter full of some fluffy shit and character building.

_THE TORCH_

_The National City Sheriff's Department is currently investigating a recent crime spree of kidnappings and armed robberies. According to NCPD detective Maggie Sawyer, six armed robberies have occurred in the past six weeks, four of which were kidnappings where victims were forced into kidnappers' cars and driven to an unknown location. These victims were all found several days after their disappearance, alive but unconscious, bound, and blindfolded. Two victims appeared to be unharmed apart from mild cuts and bruises, but one man, who chose to remain anonymous, was brutally beaten for resisting his kidnappers, while Jordan Gillespie, 26, was affected by severe burns, seemingly induced by exposure to radiation._

_Gillespie was outside of the Clova Cinema at approximately 8:30 PM, waiting in line for movie tickets, when she reports she was approached by four masked people. The suspects held Gillespie at gunpoint while pointing automatic weapons at bystanders. One masked woman spoke quietly in Gillespie's ear and told her to back into their vehicle—when Gillespie resisted, the woman injected what is suspected to be an extremely concentrated dose of ketamine into Gillespie's neck. Gillespie reported being ushered into the vehicle and the beginnings of hallucinations, as is common with ketamine administration. Gillespie was found six days later in Holliday Square near the site of the former Stagg Tower, unconscious and covered in acute radiation burns. While Gillespie's condition was originally thought to be life-threatening, physicians at National City Medical Center report that she is healing well and unusually quickly._

_These kidnappings are thought to be connected to the recent uprising of gang violence in National City and have been discussed as possible acts of terrorism. A known member of what has been reported as the 'apocalypse advocates' group has been arrested in connection with the recent kidnappings. Little information has been provided to The Torch at the time of printing, but confidential NCPD sources report that the suspect refuses to disclose any information about their organization, which they refer to as The Cull. NCPD urges any citizen with knowledge about The Cull, recent kidnappings, or strange activities to report to the NCPD hotline. This story will continue to be updated as it develops._

__________

 Lena smelled it before she saw it—earthy fragrance warmed the air as she inhaled, a hint of bitterness framing the scent. Coffee. She immediately veered to her left, dragging Kara behind her, convincing herself she was able to locate via smell the source of the only thing that could make Portland tolerable. Kara had _insisted_ on visiting the hellhole of a city before they'd even left National City, citing her eagerness to explore uncharted territory. Lena had tersely pointed out that nearly everywhere they were going was uncharted territory, as neither of them had travelled much, but her ability to resist the blonde's pleading was short-lived. Thus, Portland. The city of apathetic archetypal hipsters, of overly entitled bike-riders, and as Lena had brought up several times on the highway already, previously a hub for organized crime and government corruption. Kara, however, had interrupted her third rant on Jim Elkins with a gentle reminder that they would be visiting the Museum of Science and Industry, not investigating the roots of nefarious history in Portland. Lena's snort and eyeroll earned her a laugh, and she kept the rest of her complaints to herself until they reached the café. 

Actually, she hesitated to even call it a café. Only in _Portland_ would someone decide to turn a perfectly good double decker bus into a coffee shop. Her derision failed to disturb Kara's clear enthusiasm for the... novel architecture, and she left Kara to find a table as she went to the counter to order any breed of relief.

Lena scanned the menu, and turned to the cashier. "I'll have a Turkish coffee with two espresso shots."

The cashier beamed, and asked, "Are you crazy?"

Lena's glare wilted the cashier's grin, persuading the young girl to clarify that it was merely the name of the drink and she would never dare insult a customer. As Lena waited for her coffee, she scanned the bus to look for their seats. There were several tables on the ground level, but Kara seemed to be nowhere—she must have wanted to go to the "special" rooftop deck. Lena's musings were confirmed when she heard pealing laughter echoing down the stairs. An unconscious smile crept onto her face as she listened to Kara alternating between speaking animatedly and laughing uproariously. Her laughter was genuine, joyful, explosive—it held as much power as the Supergirl sigil, but struck smiles onto the people who heard it. Her smile didn't slip out of place when she grabbed her coffee, nor when she climbed the stairs to find her favorite person—not until she realized Kara was definitely in the middle of a conversation and not laughing without context.

A young woman with incredibly short, bright red bangs and large glasses was bent over at the table she sat at with Kara, shaking with mirth. Kara looked pleased with herself, and grinned at the large man with an equally large beard on her other side as he wiped tears of hilarity from his eyes.

"You're really something, aren't you?" he rumbled, eyes creasing as he looked affectionately at Kara. She beamed in response, ducking her head; as Lena wove through chairs cautiously to meet her friend, Kara looked up bashfully and met her gaze.

The hero brightened instantly. "Lena! Come meet my new friends!"

Inwardly, Lena cringed. Only Kara would force her to somehow meet new people they would know for only a few moments before scurrying off to their next destination. She forced her professional-level smile onto her lips and nodded in greeting.

"It's lovely to see new faces, of course, but Kara—shouldn't we be going?" Lena could almost hear the echo desperation in her own voice, hoping against hope that Kara would simply comply for once and not make her sit down with—

"This is Danika, and this is Morris. Come sit and talk with us!" Kara's smile blighted her hopes. Lena heaved herself into a seat with coffee held to her lips, intent on ingesting as much caffeine as possible in the shortest period of time she could muster. Kara, Danika, and Morris continued animatedly, making jokes and discussing their own backgrounds. Lena got the distinct vibe that the two strangers were also somewhat strangers to one another; Morris looked surprised as Danika had mentioned she was from near his hometown, and Danika eagerly discussed the finer points of their apparent shared Egyptian ancestry. Lena contributed a few words occasionally, but mostly chose to remain silent and contribute nonverbally. She gradually tuned out the other two in the first few minutes of conversation and focused instead on Kara. She was, in all honesty, radiant. This was what she was like around people, around any people regardless of whether she knew them or not. Her hands flicked through the air like it was an instrument, gesturing in great detail how she accidentally broke someone's nose during a school play. She leaned forward toward Danika like she was telling her a secret, listening attentively to the woman's account of a recent exercise of some sort (Marathon? Bike ride? Lena decided to not pay attention again). Kara puffed her chest out exaggeratedly in outrage when Morris teased her for making absurd faces—faces that Lena happened to find quite endearing, thank you very much.

The conversation had begun to idle when Lena noticed that Kara had turned red. Had she missed something? Lena began paying attention once more to whatever was being talked about and no, no one was saying anything particularly strange or embarrassing or—Kara's eyes flicked up to meet Lena's, and Lena suddenly felt her own face matching a certain shade of red. She had been staring, most likely quite intently. Well. It was only to be expected, the Kryptonian did tend to grab the focus of most people, after, all, and it wasn't necessarily _strange_ to look at your friend while she's speaking. The CEO cleared her throat, brushing away the embarrassment to be dealt with later, and spoke up.

"I've loved meeting both of you, as I'm sure Kara is, but I hate to interrupt whatever plans the two of you have for your day."

Danika and Morris looked at her surprised, and Danika responded, "Oh! You're actually fine, we don’t really have anything planned today. We're really just study partners, and we have a class project together and the two of us got kinda caught up in prison ethics and arguing and stuff and then Kara came up and started telling jokes and—"

"What I think she means is that we actually have plans today, too," Kara interjected kindly. "You guys are so wonderful and I'm so glad we're friends now, but Lena and I are actually gonna go to the museum!" Kara shot Lena a quick look, silently apologizing for an extreme version of extraversion. Lena forgave her instantly.

"By all means!" Morris swept his arm grandly at the exit. "I've truly appreciated your input today, Kara. You've been just as wonderful yourself."

After a few quick goodbyes and exchanging of social media (Lena swiftly declined on her claim that she had none), the two women were finally out of the ridiculous (but admittedly high quality) coffee bus. Lena looked over at the blonde curiously.

"What made you go over to their table?"

Kara glanced at her sideways, shrugging. "Well, Danika was swearing under her breath, and Morris kept rolling his eyes at her, and when we came in I could hear them arguing, so I figured I should just try to help. They seemed like they needed someone."

Lena faltered for a moment, then grinned and bumped shoulders with Kara as they walked. "Kara Danvers. Only you would be someone's everyday hero just because."

Kara laughed and shook her head, but said nothing as they continued walking down the street, her sneakers in stride with Lena's pointed-toe leather shoes. They stayed tethered at the shoulder, brushing against one another as if it was nothing—which, Lena thought to herself, was absolutely true. Definitely nothing.

__________

 

"Did you know that phytoplankton produce almost all of the oxygen on earth? Most studies have shown it to be at least 50% from them but based on my analysis it's likely closer to 77, 78%. So many people believe it's trees and while I absolutely support maintaining and growing the population of trees on earth, we really should be focusing so much more on the phytoplankton because they're quite important to, you know, _breathing._ "

Lena's "fun fact" came in one rapid-fire breath, and while it was laced with irritation at the state of the world, Kara could see just how exuberant Lena was to be in her own element. She smugly noted how _right_ she was for deciding to come to Portland, even with Lena's objections about "corruption" and "a history of eugenics, Kara." As soon as they had walked into the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, Kara could hear Lena's heart rate pick up. She began talking more than the hero had ever heard her say before, technically chattering to Kara but really to anyone else who was within earshot. She even corrected a museum tour guide in the Pompeii exhibit; apparently sexual symbols as art were used to ward off the evil eye and bring about good luck, which was likely the thousandth thing Lena had told her that Kara hadn't known before. The hero was slightly bewildered by some of the history, but eagerly listened to Lena's stories and descriptions of the science, the technology, and the culture that surrounded each exhibit. As the day progressed, Kara was briefly caught up in an exhibit on human fetal development and separated from Lena for a few minutes. Her trance broken by the realization that Lena wasn't talking directly next to her—looking around wildly, she spotted the brunette. She was kneeling down, in her expensive clothes and likely uncomfortable shoes, to point out the intricacies of a robot arm to a little girl, who was listening to Lena's description with pure wonder.

Kara could see it in Lena's eyes: she wanted to drink the whole world in, in one enormous gulp, and then give it to everyone else. There was never going to be enough time for her to see everything, to do everything that she wanted to do—and Kara's heart broke for a moment for that humanity, that mortality—but Lena didn't care, because she wouldn't allow any kind of limit to stop her. She consumed knowledge voraciously and it made her almost unbearably clever, a genius who desperately wanted to show people exactly what it was that she loved, that she learned. Kara suddenly imagined a clear picture of a young Lena in her head, staring intently at an exhibit description and absorbing as much information as she could. Perhaps she'd never gotten to go to museums with her parents, or maybe no one bothered to ever explain something to an orphaned girl adopted by an insanely rich and insane family. Perhaps Lena fiercely wanted to pass on what she never got, to engage and to teach someone without judgement clouded by her family name. Perhaps, Kara thought fondly as she watched the jubilant girl throw her arms around a shocked Lena's shoulders, Lena just wanted to feel like she was helping.

Lena was standing up and brushing off her clothes with her back to Kara as she approached. Kara leaned in playfully and blew near her ear, with perhaps just a little bit of frost breath. As the hero wanted, Lena jumped, startled, and frowned at Kara (although she was smiling).

"Not an appropriate use of your powers, Miss Danvers."

"I thought you already finished giving your lecture, Miss Luthor," Kara teased back.

Lena flushed slightly, a mixture of joy and bashfulness. "She was trying to figure out how the arm moved around, and I actually designed a model like this one in high school, so I figured I might as well translate it a little bit. Maybe she'll be an engineer. Women in STEM, and all that, you know."

"Mhm. I'm sure that's the _only_ reason you were telling her."

Lena's face flushed deeper, and she blinked a few times before holding a brochure up in front of Kara's face. "There's a show. We should go. I think you'd like this one a bit."

Kara grinned, fanning the pamphlet away without reading it. "Whatever you say, boss. I'm up for anything."

Lena returned her smile warmly, and linked arms with Kara to enter the auditorium. Kara looks around—it's not very similar to theaters she's been in before, the ceiling is domed and becomes the walls, and Kara isn't totally sure where the show will actually be projected. She contents herself to sitting and leaning her head onto Lena's shoulder—Lena's surprised intake of breath almost makes her pull her head back, but she thinks this is normal, and Lena is the perfect height for Kara to do this and she just wants to be close to her friend, that's all.

They sit together and converse quietly as more people file in, and as the last people have trudged in, the lights go out in the theater and staff begin to work on the computer at the front of the auditorium. Kara turned curiously upward towards Lena as they work and asked, "I didn't actually ask you what this show was, what are we going to be wa—"

Kara cuts herself off with a gasp as the universe appears above her head. This isn't an ordinary planetarium viewing or simple stars in the Milky Way galaxy. No—this is ink and stars spilled across the sky that she recognizes, a view that she _knows_ she's seen before and not on Earth. Lena looks at her cautiously, then in relief as she witnesses Kara's recognition. Kara is seeing her home—at least part of it. There is no Krypton, but she can see what she thinks is Rao, and Dheron, Mithen, Wegtho, she can see constellations, she can see their version of what humans would describe as a North Star—she feels as close to Krypton as she's felt since the day she landed on Earth. 

"Oh, _Lena,"_ Kara breathed out, sitting straight up, craning her neck to see the dome of stars. A voice comes over the intercome, discussing that this is a universe 50 light years away from Earth, but Kara doesn't listen, because she doesn't have to. She clutched blindly in the dark—Kara could see if she tried but she's looking at home—for Lena's hand, and held on tightly when she got hold of it. Lena swallowed tightly, her eyes watering where Kara couldn't see them. "I'm glad it's the right thing." Kara looked over at her, squeezing her hand more tightly, and put as much warmth and meaning into the words as she could.

"Thank you."

 __________

 

_Back in National City..._

 

Maggie leaned back silently on the couch, pressing her fingers into her eyes. Alex silently pressed a bottle against the detective's leg, prompting Maggie to take the beer, open it, and start drinking it, all with her eyes still closed tightly. A minute or two passed,  Maggie sipping her beer and Alex rubbed small circles into her leg. 

"It's been a long week." Maggie's voice creaked, as if she hadn't slept in days. And she hadn't; the victims of the kidnappings had been taken and found at varying times during the past several weeks, and the police were unable to relax with unpredictability causing chaos. 

"Have you gotten anything out of that Cull fucker yet?" Alex's voice was strained, but she tried to keep her tone neutral. The suspect had spat at Maggie when NCPD brought him in, swearing at her and everyone around her, but had gone completely silent as soon as he was brought into interrogation.

Maggie finally leaned forward and opened her eyes, taking another swig before answering. "Nope. All he'll say is that 'the light is coming' and that he's from Cull. Typical whack job except he's also a terrorist _and_ we can't technically prove anything. We're keeping him on a charge of disturbing the peace, but I'm pretty sure his public defender is gonna shut that down pretty soon." Alex started to speak again, a query on her face, when Maggie intercepted her. "We're still getting the same threats of bombings as the DEO. Still can't find where they're coming from. Still don't know if it'll actually happen. Bomb squad is as thinly spread as we are."

Alex sighed and dropped her head into her hands. She looked as tired as Maggie; she had been dealing with unfulfilled threats of attacks the entire week and was continuously on edge. "So we still don't really know anything about Cull. And we don't know if the attacks and the kidnappings will continue. _And_ we don't know why any of this is happening. They're not even really stealing anything from the victims! They left cash and just took IDs and cards. This makes no sense. Nothing is making any sense." Her words were frustrated and angry, but she couldn't muster energy behind them. The world was collapsing around her, she was helpless and unable to predict who would be targeted next, and it felt like the sun had gone out of her life.

The only person who had ever felt like the sun had gone out of her life without a word.

Alex swallowed against the lump in her throat, a lump that appeared every time she'd thought of Kara in the past few days. Her sister had only been missing (well, was she really missing when she knew exactly what Kara was doing?) for four days, but it felt like a ravine of loneliness had opened in her chest. Mist shrouded her vision—Alex blinked angrily until she could see again, furious with herself for not being able to control _anything,_ not even her own tear ducts.

"You know, you can talk about missing her."

Maggie was being gentle with her, she knew. The detective hadn't been particularly fond of Supergirl's interference, but had figured out exactly how important the hero was to Alex, especially after deducing Kara's identity. When Kara's interview hit the news, Maggie figured out Kara was leaving far more quickly than Alex did, and was ready to catch her when Alex fell apart.

"I still can't believe she just said _nothing_ to me. No note. No texts. She won't answer her calls. She hasn't checked her email, didn't give any reason for her leave from work, didn't even cancel her mail at her apartment. I would never have done this to her."

Maggie squeezed her knee as Alex's voice dropped to a whisper, "I could never just leave her like this."

"I know, babe. But this doesn’t mean she doesn't love you. You know that."

"I do. I just don't understand how she could talk to _Lena_ about this instead of me."

Maggie raised an eyebrow, prompting a hasty response from the agent.

"I mean, it's not like I really have anything against her. But we don't know her well enough to make sure she's even trustworthy, that she's a good person. I didn't even trust Kara telling Winn! There's no way Kara's not with Lena, wherever the hell they are, and god knows if she's telling Lena who she is and what she can do. What if Lena reacts like Lex would? What if she wants to profit off of Kara, or blackmail her or turn her into some kind of—I don't know, a sex slave or something—"

Maggie sputtered in disbelieving laughter. "You really think Luthor would be into that? Sounds a little kinky, I'm regretting slapping cuffs on her." 

"Maggie. Take this _seriously._ "

The detective huffed out a breathy laugh as she leaned into her girlfriend and kissed her cheek. "I am taking this seriously, Danvers. I also just think that you might be thinking about it the wrong way. Don't tell me you've been reading the tabloids. Rumors are always flying when it comes to celebrities, and Luthor and Supergirl are bound to get caught up in that somehow, 'specially when both of them are off the map."

  
Alex turned an angry red and rolled her eyes, muttering something about not listening to rumors and no one gets to write _trash like that_ about her _sister._ Maggie laughed at her again, and pulled Alex into an awkward sitting hug. "I know you miss her. I don't think she's choosing Lena over you. Sometimes we just need different people, you know? She can't rely on you for everything—and you wouldn't want that either."

The two slowly relaxed into one another and Alex pulled a blanket over both of them, a comfortable silence falling over them for a few moments.

"You're right."

Maggie blinked in surprise, opened her mouth to crack a joke about recording Alex's response, and thought better of it. She instead pulled Alex closer, and pressed her lips into the woman's dark hair. "I know that probably doesn’t help, though."

"No," Alex sighed, "it doesn't. But I think it will, at one point."

Maggie hummed in agreement against Alex's head. "I hope so. Until then, I've got you in whatever way you need."

Alex smiled into her blanket, fingers intertwining into her girlfriend's. Everything wasn't okay. But she was okay, and Maggie was here, and her heart was warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading/not giving up on a slightly delayed chapter! What's going on with Cull, huh? Is Kara just not checking her phone? I'm not crazy satisfied with this chapter, honestly, but it's up and it's as close to what I wanted as it's going to be. Please leave comments--I love compliments and constructive criticism and questions and whatever else you want to write (within reason). Look out for a new, drama-filled chapter soon!


	5. Graves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares are born from memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that, consistency in chapter timing AND length? What's even happening. Hey folks! Hope you all enjoy this chapter, I think it's a good mix. The next chapter is actually one of the ones that I've been itching to write, so I think I'll have it up by Sunday or Monday at the latest. Stay tuned!
> 
> CW: mentions of destruction, inflammatory language

_HumanFirst Podcast—Transcript_

_See You Never, Supergirl--@supernormies_

_The news hit last week that everyone's favorite high-and-mighty Supergirl has left the building—or, at least, National City. The Girl of Steel claimed some crap about needing a safe space to rest and relax after getting her ass handed to her repeatedly in previous months. In case you forgot about the best things that have happened to National City since Supergirl 'came out', Supergirl got absolutely slammed by some robot dude with one of SG's favorite pretty green rocks in his chest. He's earned number one in my heart—while I'm never a fan of enhanced people, I gotta say, he had the right reasons for putting the alien in her place. Second place goes to former shock jock/fellow Super-hater Leslie Willis, who jolted Supergirl out of her comfort zone with actual legitimate criticism and a walloping to boot! There were also a couple of... incidents recently where us weak humans managed to get the better of her, which I'm sure made Ms. Goody-Two-Shoes as mad as any alien can be, since she's apparently better than all of us as a part of her superior race._

_She got so triggered by all of this she decided to leave us alone, dear listeners. Imagine that—the bitch with the goddess complex finally giving everyone a break? What is she gonna do when she's not tearing down half the buildings in National City and making insurance prices skyrocket in every metropolitan area? I'll tell you what I think—who gives a shit? I mean, she came flying in trying to save everyone, without even asking, pretending like her alien ass was the savior of us all. Newsflash, girl scout: we don't need any aliens coming in to save the city. This bitch_ _could recreate Pompeii by sneezing too hard, for God's sake, and the government just lets her run around, sweet and saccharine, trying too hard and leaving a mess behind her. Aren't we all trying to avoid her mutually assured destruction clause every time a new alien comes into the city? We didn't have an alien problem until they all had Supergirl to look up to; now they're crawling out of the woodwork, pretending like they have the same rights as actual citizens of the Earth. Now that their supposed role model is gone, maybe we'll get some real peace and quiet! In fact, I have a suggestion for the former "hero"—stay away. Don't come back to National City. We don't want you here, and we're doing just fine without you interfering. Stay away, Supergirl—we mean it._

 _We've got an ad from our sponsor Blue Apron coming up, but after that break we're gonna talk about the up-and-coming group rising to take Supergirl's place as_ real _protectors of the city: Cull! I interview one of the first members of the group to get his take on why aliens shouldn't be allowed in our cities and what Cull's really all about. You're listening to HumanFirst—stay tuned after these messages._

__________

Kara woke up to a scream.

It stopped so quickly Kara wasn’t sure whether she had heard it or dreamed it at first. She replayed it briefly in her mind: more of a burst of fear, as if someone had flicked a switch they weren’t supposed to and turned it off as quickly as they could. She could feel the sound reverberating in her sensitive ears. Real. Definitely real.

She sat up quickly in her bed, blinking the sleep from her eyes as she scanned her surroundings. Nothing on fire, no sounds of gunshots, not even really any traffic, save the sounds of the highway a few miles out. No strange heartbeats nearby--there were only four other guests in the hotel, and all were sound asleep, and the concierge was awake downstairs, and the night housekeeper was making the bed a few doors down from them...

And, of course, there was Lena.

Kara’s gaze fell to the woman in the bed next to hers. Lena appeared to be asleep, her eyelids fluttering and her breathing--no, wait. Her breathing was too heavy, shoulders shaking just slightly, her ever-familiar pulse too thready, too fast for her to be sleeping. Lena was awake, and she was terrified.

“Are you okay?” Kara’s voice cracked with the weight of having just woken up. “I thought I heard…”

A ragged intake of breath, choked by tears, answered Kara’s question. A beat passed, then Lena's tears turned to racking sobs, full of panic and grief and...anger? Regret? Kara wasn't sure, but she crossed the room quickly, hesitating a moment before sitting on the end of the bed. Lena curled into a sitting position, gripping a pillow with white knuckles and shaking shoulders.

"I can't...Kara... all those people. Dead, burned alive, terrified, they'd never see their families _again_ and all they knew was that they showed up for work this morning and they thought everything would be okay—" Lena stopped, words thick in her throat. "I feel like I can't breathe. Kara, I can't breathe. I can't _do this_ , I'm so sorry, I can't..."

Lena's heart rate picked up. Her tears had stopped, only to be replaced by sheer panic. She curled further into her self, fists threatening to tear through the pillow cover as she pulled it tighter and tighter. For a few seconds, Kara could only stare. She could do something wrong in reaction to this, Lena would never trust her again. What if she did nothing? Should she do nothing? What if Lena didn't want her to do something about any of this, what if...

Rao, she was so focused on herself, Kara cursed herself inwardly. Without thinking on it further, Kara reached out and pried Lena's fingers from the pillow, gripping them firmly. "Squeeze as hard as you can."

Lena took nearly a full minute to look up at her, pupils blown wide with fear. "What?"

"Squeeze. You can't hurt me. Just do it."

Lena, still confused, did as she was told. Her gaze slipped from Kara to her hands, and she set her mouth into a cold, hard line as she squeezed... 

_"I don't like the idea of you around my daughter." Her lips purse, her cold eyes look back into Kara's. They're full of hate._

_"You're just as human as I am, now." Lips curled into a smile, a sharp pain across Kara's cheek._

_"It's time to go, Supergirl." A sharp crack. Lips frozen in place. Green clouds her vision. She falls._

Kara pushed the thoughts from her mind. Now was not the time, she couldn't think about...that when Lena needed her right now. She could feel the pressure on her hands as Lena pushed all of the anger, the fear, the grief into her grip on Kara. Lena kept it up, holding as tightly as she could, until her breathing began to even out slightly. She slowly lessened her hold until she was merely holding Kara's hand, gentle as she'd ever been. Her tearstained face tilted upward, posing a question.

"How do we live like this? How do we keep going like this, when everyone is watching other people die and other people hate each other and other people hurt each other, and we all feel like the world is going to end? Why do we just keep going?"

The anguish in Lena's voice almost caused Kara to drop her hands, to try and push up her glasses for some sense of security. People looked to her with this question often. Not verbally, of course, but when they saw her, they thought she had answers. She wasn't like them, she was different, so she must have answers as to why their world continued to hurt them, why their people couldn't stop hating one another, what the real path for humankind was. She was supposed to have the answers for them. She was supposed to be able to help.

Kara looked directly back into Lena's eyes, and whispered, "I don't know."

The brunette made another sound, sudden, unexpected. Another scream? No, this time: a laugh. Lena was laughing, watery eyes and blotchy cheeks and all.

"Good. I was worried I might be the only one." She continued laughing, the sound reaching a near-hysterical point. Kara smiled back uncertainly, then joined her in the laughter-crying-heartbreak mess.

They broke together, just snapping a little bit, where no one else could see the pieces before they were put back together. They held onto each other even as they laugh-cried themselves out, hands squeezing tightly, tethering themselves back to reality. Lena's boisterous hysteria turned into giggles, then sniffles, then mostly silence, clearing her throat every once in a while. Kara let her recover for a moment, then ventured to speak again.

“Would it help if I…. um, if I just laid down with you for a bit?”

Lena didn’t respond out loud, but she sank into Kara as if she’d been waiting for the question to be asked. Kara adjusted herself slightly, leaning back against the headboard with Lena’s head on her shoulder.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Kara murmured softly, letting one hand go and brushing Lena's tangled hair behind one ear.

Lena’s heart literally skipped a beat, and Kara frowned, listening for her heart to pick up again, to start racing, but it didn't. Instead, Lena whispered back, "I know."

They sat for a while, quiet in the night, listening to nothing and thinking about everything.

 __________

Lena woke up the following morning wrapped in Kara’s arms.

__________

 

Lena had never driven something quite so boring in her life. Field after field, fence after fence, with no other cars in sight, barely any trees, and no livestock. She didn’t realize anyone could even have a farm without livestock--she was looking forward to seeing the cows and horses on the sides of the highway, munching away on grass like it was their job. She sighed, perhaps a touch dramatically, but only out of self-pity; she didn’t particularly like driving and she especially didn’t like driving without anyone to talk to.

She looked over at her (slightly drooling) roadtrip partner; soon after they’d gotten on the road from Spokane, Kara had fallen soundly asleep. Lena felt a brief pang of guilt for waking Kara, and likely keeping her awake into the earliest hours of the morning. They hadn’t spoken any more about last night, and for that, she was grateful. Lena got the sense that the blonde was giving her some space to think, to breathe, to work through the intruding memories stuck in her psyche. Last night had been an outburst of the panic and fear she fell into whenever she was alone at night, and Kara hadn't deserved the fallout of having to deal with her weakness. It hadn't happened yet on this trip, but she honestly wasn't surprised it had happened last night, considering where they would be going today. 

She knew she’d soon have to tell Kara what their next stop actually was. She’d told Kara she wanted both of them to have a ‘mystery’ destination, somewhere in between locations that they already planned on visiting, so that each of them could surprise the other. Kara had agreed enthusiastically--or at least, as enthusiastic as post-disaster Kara could be. Lena knew she should feel guilty about hiding her true motives under the guise of spontaneity, but she also knew she wouldn't be able to do this without her best friend. told Lena they were only two miles out from a rest stop; resolutely, Lena decided she would tell Kara there, in hopes that the hero would be able to accept the news without feeling trapped.

And snacks from the convenience store, overpriced as they were, certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Kara awoke with a start as Lena shook her gently awake with one hand. “We’re almost to a rest stop, figured we could take a quick break before the last leg of the ride.”

Kara rubbed her eyes blearily before sliding her glasses from her hair back in front of her eyes--old habits die hard, Lena thought amusedly. “Hmm? Whaz...Oh. Right! Your _mystery_ location. Not sure how much I love the idea of not knowing where I’m going, but I trust you.”

Lena laughed--if it sounded a little strained, Kara didn’t seem to notice--and bit her lip. “Yep. Mystery spot. But bathroom and snacks and _coffee_ first.”

Kara smiled gently and rested her head against the window as Lena changed lanes. Her phone buzzed--wait, her phone was on? When had it turned back on?

Lena noticed her look of puzzlement and gestured at the front of the car. “Oh, I noticed your phone was dead so I plugged it into the charger. Perks of an electric car--it charges everything much more quickly than you’d think.”

Kara frowned as her phone buzzed with dozens of notifications-- “So popular,” Lena teased, pulling into a parking spot with an electric car charging station-- and abruptly put her phone back onto ‘Do Not Disturb.’ Lena spotted ‘Alex <3’ on several message bubbles before Kara’s screen went black, and raised one brow meaningfully at the reporter. Kara flushed and mumbled, “I just don’t want to talk to her right now.” They locked eyes for a moment longer before Lena inclined her head in understanding. “Just don’t leave her hanging forever. She deserves to know you’re okay.”

Kara nodded quickly, her eyes sliding away, and she opened the car door to hop out and stretch. “Hey, uh, where are we? I think I may have slept through a few state lines." 

“In Idaho, but almost to Montana at this point,” Lena called, lugging the impressively filled paper bag that had been assigned as “Car Garbage.” (“We could just throw it out as we go, Kara.” “You clearly haven’t been on a real road trip before. We stop for NOTHING. Except snacks. And bathrooms. And pretty things.”)

Kara wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Ugh, _Idaho._ Glad I slept through this one. Worst state in the Union.” 

“Seriously? Idaho?"

The Kryptonian shrugged. “I hate farms.”

Lena snicked, and Kara pretended not to hear her muttering under her breath about how she should be glad she wasn’t raised with the Kents like Clark--the less Kara knew about what Lena knew, the better. 

The two amiably split off as they entered the building. It had only been a little over a week, but they’d already fallen into a pattern when it came to pit stops. Lena went to the bathroom first, then waited in the unyielding line for Starbucks or whatever coffee shop happened to be in their area. Kara, on the other hand, went on the hunt first for penny-stamping machines (“I’m starting a collection!” “Oh, could get expensive, you might be out a few whole dollars by the time we get to the East Coast.” “Shut up, Lena.”) After getting precious deformed pennies, she wandered over to the gift shop and took pictures of ‘unique items.’ She then sped in and out as quickly as (humanly) possible to the bathrooms, in order to spend as much time in the convenience store heaven of high-calorie snacks as she could manage. Lena met her at the exit, sipping her multi-espresso-shot coffee and resisting the urge to roll her eyes at Kara happily munching on Milk Duds.

"Got your sugar fix?" 

"Got your caffeine fix?"

"Touché. Although I do need it, since I'm driving, and I'm not letting you have sticky fingers all over my leather interior."

Kara popped another seven candies into her mouth, and managed to mumble, " 'R not thticky, Le'a." She chewed thoroughly (a lesson learned after nearly choking on caramel in her Earth childhood) and swallowed, beaming at the CEO. "Anyway. Ready to hit the road? I'm excited to see what you have planned!"

Lena hesitated just a moment too long, freezing Kara's smile on her face. "Uh. What's wrong? You do have something planned, right?"

"Of course I do. I just want to talk to you about it before we get there."

The two ambled to a bench outside near the rest area, sitting where Kara could see everyone walking their dogs before getting back into their cars. Lena fiddled with her shirt, then her hair, then a piece of rubber peeling off the bench before clearing her throat. 

"So. We're going to Montana."

"I mean, I sorta guessed that part."

"Specifically, Lewistown, Montana."

Kara crinkled her forehead in mild consternation. "Never heard of it. Want to actually tell me more?"

Lena looked at the ground, bracing herself. "It's where my mother is from. And where she's buried."

Time froze for a moment for Kara. She occasionally had the ability to focus enough to the point where it looked like the world was moving in super-slow-motion around her. A dog was caught mid-sniff; a father stopped in the middle of chiding his son for buying a large slushy; Lena, unmoving in her guilt and sorrow. Of course Lena had chosen this as her mystery destination. Kara scolded herself internally for being angry for even a moment. Lena had to mourn, to grieve, even if Lillian hadn't been a good mother to her. She had every right to go and see her mother's grave, no matter how bad of a person she was. Even if her mother was a monster.

_"You're infecting this planet. You're destroying this world."_

_"I don't like the idea of you around my daughter."_

_"You're a monster. People like me—we kill monsters, to keep our children safe."_

Painful memories. Painful memories that had to be kept at bay, so she could help Lena. Kara closed her eyes, and time snapped back to normal. Lena was staring anxiously at the ground, swallowing hard and refusing to make eye contact. "I'm sorry to spring this on you. It's okay if you don’t want to go, or if you don't think it's a good idea, we can go somewhere else, I just—this is where she was from and where her—I think it might be a bad idea, I'm sorry, I'll pick—"

"Lena. It's fine. This isn't a big deal, I swear." Kara was getting better at lying through her teeth, she'd have to let Alex know.

Relief laced with worry flooded Lena's features. "Really? I know that she wasn't a good person, I do. But she was the only mother I knew for so long, and I want to be able to say a proper goodbye, you know?"

Kara blew air out slowly through pursed lips. "I definitely understand that feeling."

__________

Lewistown was much prettier than Kara had thought it would be. She was biased, in a way; a town that produced Lillian Luthor wasn't going to be immediately on her good side. But, she had to admit, as she took in the mountains, the fall colors, the damned _stream_ trickling through nature, Lewistown was the very portrait of American small town. And she recognized that perhaps Lewistown didn't want to own Lillian, either; as they passed the city hall, Kara had spotted a list of 'notable natives.' Apparently several Congressmen and a couple of random pro athletes had all lived here at one point in their lives. One oddly bare spot stood out to Kara. It was shiny and new-looking, unlike the tarnished metal where the other names were engraved. At the same moment Kara figured out whose name used to be on the plaque, Lena spotted exactly what it was Kara had been looking at. The two women both flushed red, Lena's mouth turning downward and becoming thin-lipped. Lillian was just as much a blight on this town as she'd been in their lives, and Lewistown clearly wanted to forget her as soon as possible.

They'd stopped for ice cream at a local creamery, and Kara had marveled at the difference that fresh cream made in her favorite frozen treat. Lena was uncharacteristically solemn as she ate her sorbet. Kara cracking jokes barely made a dent in Lena's expression, and the two quickly fell into uncomfortable small talk as Lena was preoccupied with her mother.

They stopped at a florist to pick up gardenias. Lillian's favorite, Lena explained. "She always liked the smell. It wasn't ever really my thing." Kara nodded mutely. Regret and sorrow boiled behind the Luthor's eyes as memories of her mother swirled in her mind. The intrusiveness of her thoughts only got worse as they neared the edge of town—neared the cemetery. Where Lillian Luthor lay buried, resting in peace that she'd never wanted the world to have.

Lena's car was alone in the parking lot; the small town didn't seem to have a lot of visitors in the graveyard at all, let alone at 4 PM. Lena had picked this time on purpose, she knew, trying to avoid curious eyes landing on the women visiting the grave of Lewistown's most infamous daughter. She followed in Kara's footsteps as the blonde picked her way through the mud, squinting at a map of graves to try and find Lillian's name. Perhaps it was fate that they couldn't find her. She didn't need to put herself through this, let alone Kara. It wasn't as if it would help matters, she just wanted to say goodbye and she could do that in the middle of town, she didn't need to see a grave—

 

"Here."

 __________

 

Lena had been kneeling at Lillian's grave for fifteen minutes, hands resting on her thighs as she stared at the headstone. Kara shifted uncomfortably, occasionally looking up at Lena's expression—or rather, lack thereof. Lena had teared up briefly when she first knelt at Lillian's final resting place, but her grief had quickly become shrouded by impassiveness. It almost seemed as if Lena was still trying to hide her emotions from her mother, Kara contemplated; Lillian was the one person who unfailingly got reactions, usually anger, out of the normally controlled CEO. Lillian managed to evoke anger in almost everyone she set her sights on, to the point where it sometimes became uncontrollable.

Bitterness sparked in Kara's heart, and she imagined—she must be imagining it—the taste of blood in her mouth. Lillian had struck her, more than once, and had essentially tortured her, but that first slap was the worst insult. Knowing she was vulnerable, knowing Lillian could do what she wanted to her, feeling the pain of solar flaring and being struck and being _alone—_ the anger had been overwhelming. Kara hadn't been able to act on it then, when Mon-El lay dying from lead poisoning and Kara was being tortured. She hadn't been able to act on it when Lillian had almost dispersed Medusa to kill every alien on Earth. She hadn't even been able to act on it when Lillian had left her and Lena with Metallo, the literal Kryptonite time bomb.

Her anger hadn't found a place to rest until that fateful day when Stagg Tower fell, when Lillian Luthor finally met her end. It was buried with her, six feet under, garnished with a bouquet of gardenias.

Lena startled Kara out of the intensity of her thoughts when she stood suddenly, brushing tears from her eyes. She smiled sadly at Kara, and spoke quietly, as if she didn't want the dead to hear.

"You know, the worst part is that I don't even know why it happened. I don't know who did it—who bombed that tower, who killed all of these people, who killed my mother, who ruined all of these lives. All I know is that she's gone, and they're all gone, and I can't stop feeling guilty about it."

"Lena, you have nothing to feel guilty about."

"I can't help it, can I? I could have done something about her. I tried, and I know you know that, but I feel like I didn't try hard enough." Her voice wavered. "I couldn't help her, Kara. I was so stubborn to not do a single thing she'd ever said. If I had just listened to her, or pretended like I was going along with her—she might not be dead."

"You don't know what would have happened if you'd done what she wanted, though."

"At the very least, she would have known that I loved her." Kara started at the admission, but Lena pressed on. "She died thinking I didn't love her, and she didn't deserve it, not at all, but god help me if I didn't love her still." Lena was openly weeping at this point. "Do you know what it's like to live with the fact that my mother died thinking I hated her?" She laughed mirthlessly, echoing the previous night's grief-riddled hysteria. "God, it's my fault she's dead, isn't it?"

Kara blanched. "Lena. It isn't your fault. It has never been your fault. You can't hold yourself responsible for her actions."

"Then whose fault is it, Kara?" Lena was getting louder now, more worked up and angrier than Kara had ever seen her. "If it's not my fault, whose fault is it? Huh? Why did she die!? Whose fault is it that she's dead, that they're all dead?! WHOSE FAULT IS IT?"

Kara had tears streaming down her face now as well, facing her best friend's unbridled anguish. She couldn't let Lena live with this feeling, not when interminable guilt was already blistering in her ears, urging her to tell Lena the truth, to uncover the burden she had been carrying for months. Lena was still yelling, but the ringing in Kara's ears prevented her from hearing anything apart from indecipherable noise. Her vision was slowly clouded by a hazy green, memory blurring into reality—

 

_"It's time to go, Supergirl." A sharp crack. Lips frozen in place. Lillian fell._

 

She felt the words rising up like vomit, powerless to stop the admission.

 

"It was me."

 

She was whispering, not even certain Lena could hear her at first, until the other woman stopped in shock.

 

"What?"

 

"It was my fault Stagg Tower fell."

 

She breathed in deeply, forcing herself to let all of the darkness and rage and _guilt_ in one fell swoop—

 

"I killed your mother, Lena."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, angst


	6. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara recalls the past several months leading up to the fall of Stagg Tower and Lillian's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, important note: this chapter is ALL FLASHBACKS. I denoted this at each transition but I wanted to make sure it was really clear. It's also a little violent and has some inflammatory stuff in it, so please read the CW and make sure you're prepared.
> 
> Also: thank you all so much for the comments! I thrive on attention so I was basically patting myself on the back repeatedly every time I got a comment. Please please please leave comments to feed your author's ego. I relish it. (No but seriously thank you I'm glad people are enjoying the pic). Also, I had to read frickin Breitbart to try and match the vibe of hatred in the article I wrote for this chapter so just remember the sacrifices I'm making. 
> 
> CW: descriptions of implied physical assault/torture, panic attacks, violence

 

_Five months ago_

 

_The Cost of Aliens: Allowing Violence to Flourish in Underground 'Fight Club'_

_Veronica Sinclair was arrested at approximately 11:30 PM on May 5 th, on charges of illegal gambling and harboring illegal aliens. At 10:15 AM, May 6th, Veronica Sinclair was released from custody and cleared of all charges. _

_Sinclair was arrested in connection with the alien 'fight club' she had organized, a debacle widely attended by social elites from National City and surrounding circles. CatCo Worldwide Media broke the story on Sinclair's activities and her gang of alien fighters last week, and for most of the following morning after her arrest, most of National City seemed to think these charges would stick on the infamously elusive Sinclair. However, an anonymous police source informed the_ Crusader _that 'government officials' had warned the NCPD to release Sinclair, even in the face of her overwhelming guilt. Sinclair's current whereabouts are unknown._

 _Staff here at the_ Crusader _would like to focus on the real problem at hand: aliens. The liberal government has been ignoring the surplus aliens that transplant illegally to our planet for some time, and touts well-known and supposedly well-intentioned aliens like Superman and Supergirl as heroes, rather than the illegals that they are. However, with the actions of Sinclair brought to light, it's time to truly acknowledge the problem of allowing these extraterrestrials to stay in our society. Sinclair chose to use aliens in a fighting ring for a reason: their natures are guaranteed to be violent. They will fight, bloodthirsty and angry, waiting to take their revenge on this planet, waiting to act on humans instead of on their own kind. We ask the public to reconsider how they view aliens: as immigrants, or as they truly are—invaders?_

__________

Kara had always been fascinated by witches.

She had considered becoming a history major for some time, but ended up choosing marketing, mostly because it involved needing to understand how humans thought and behaved and consumed—information she felt she needed to brush up on. But her love for history had never been extinguished; she chose to take several extra courses at NCU, and ended up with a minor for her troubles. By far one of the most fascinating courses she had taken focused on the history of the occult, or more specifically: witches. She'd first read of the Salem witches because of a small mistake on her part—she tried to look up what Danvers really meant, and found a small town in Massachusetts that used to be part of Salem. The rabbit hole continued from there. Nineteen people (and two dogs) executed by hanging in the late 1600s, all because of fear. Humans reacted uniquely to fear. They often chose to fight, or to turn to anger, and this sometimes turned a community into a raging force of violence, as it had in Salem. They threw their husbands and wives into the ring of guilt, accused neighbors and widows and even farm animals for causing their troubles. They saw mental illness, or jealousy, or women who defied the boundaries of society, and turned them into scapegoats. Kara had always been morbidly fascinated by their choices of execution: nearly all of the accused had been executed by hanging, while one was pressed to death with heavy stones. She had thought (based on her television research) that witches were burned at the stake for their supposed crimes; a professor corrected her, stating that this was almost an exclusively European practice. When going back to her dorm later, she mused on which execution would have been the worst. Hanging seemed quick, and while fire seemed painful, she assumed that the requirement for humans to have constant oxygen supply would allow them to pass out before fire truly began to hurt them much. Yes, death by stones pressing on you would certainly be the most torturous, she concluded—burning at the stake would be so limited in scope.

Kara never realized she would be proven wrong on this point years later, through her own burning at the stake.

She had solar flared before, when fighting Red Tornado, but this—this was different. This was pushing out as much radiation as she could out of her body as quickly as possible. It was intense heat, starting at her eyes, searing down her body as if she'd been doused in gasoline then set on fire. Her body felt like it was blistering and boiling on the inside, uncontrollable pain lighting up her nerve endings. She was burning. A strangled cry of pain ripped from her chest without her consent, showing Lillian and Mon-El exactly how weak she was, how much she was forced to rely on her powers, how empty she was without—

It ended more quickly than she thought it would, but she knew the pain wasn't over yet. A sour, metallic taste appeared in her mouth: she couldn’t tell if it was bile or blood or something else entirely. Her nerve endings were fried, like a human's would be if burned or electrocuted, but unlike them, she healed quickly, and she would feel the burning on her skin again soon. She hit the ground, hard, her hands to numb to reach out and brace herself. Pain blossomed at the nape of her neck as Lillian pulled her up by her hair, looking cruelly into her eyes.

"Thank you." Pain cracked against Kara's face, and she spat blood as she looked back at the leader of Cadmus. Lillian's eyes were almost inviting, now—Kara hated that this expression reminded her of Lena—as she brushed a thumb against the blood rolling down Kara's chin. "Well. It worked." The doctor nodded at the men in uniform behind Kara. "Take her." 

Kara didn't remember much of the trip over to the other wing of the building. She was dizzy, partly reeling from Lillian's blow, but mostly because she was beginning to feel the effects of the radiation. Alex had explained this at one point: she was resistant to radiation and even absorbed it to a point, but if she solar flared entirely (as she just had), she would be just as vulnerable to radiation burns just as much as any human. She could feel her skin beginning to pucker in odd locations—around her eyes, the center of her chest, the bottoms of her feet—and she moaned as the agony of the burns ambushed her senses. Suddenly, her stomach was heaving, and she emptied what little remained in her stomach onto the floor. Lillian's footsteps sounded behind her, and with a sneer in her voice, she commanded one of the guards to begin cleaning up. She knelt next to her victim, tucking a strand of hair behind Kara's ear as the younger woman struggled to keep her eyes open.

"Well. You're just as human as I am, now." Another clout, this time near her temples. She saw stars—not her stars, not the stars of Krypton or of Earth but stars of pain, of exhaustion, of her own inability to resist. She gritted her teeth against the pain and fought to stay awake, to observe where she was, to try and find an escape route...

Someone grasped her legs roughly, heaving her onto a hard platform. Had she fallen asleep? Passed out? Her arms and legs were bound, and she felt a dull throbbing in her left arm. Cracking one eye open, she lifted her head slightly to get a look at the needle stuck in her arm, pulling blood into two IV bags above her head. A guard stood directly to her right, but was thankfully looking away and didn't see her look up. She laid back down, trying to make her vision steady before she tried to get away. One breath, two breaths, three—okay. She could do this. She thrust herself forward, slamming her forehead into the guard's, and—oh god, that was so much more painful than it looked like it should be. He went down as she whined slightly, disoriented and head throbbing. Bending to try and untie her bindings, she had managed to almost free her arms, when—

"I don't think so, Supergirl." A blow came to the back of her head, sending fresh echoes of pain to rattle around her skull. Lillian moved into her field of vision, blurry but recognizable. "Apparently, we can't expect an alien savage to behave. I suppose I have enough time to try and teach you a lesson before you go to watch your other alien imbecile die."

Lillian called two men into the room to strap Kara's limbs more securely to the bed she was on. She then spoke in low tones to them both, indistinct to Kara's weakened hearing. The men stepped back, cracked their knuckles, and waited for Lillian to leave the room. As the older woman left, she stopped next to Kara's ear and whispered,

"Now that I have your blood, I don't particularly care how much of you is left."

Kara shivered. Lillian smiled, and left. The first blows from the men fell upon her weakened body...

 

...she had to stay awake, to try and figure out where she was....

 

.....she had to try and help Mon-El, keep him from being poisoned by lead......

 

....she had to warn Lena....

 

She faded fully into unconsciousness, falling victim to pain, to exhaustion, to complete and total failure to do her duty as Supergirl.

__________

Later, when Alex checked in with her about what had happened at Cadmus' headquarters, Kara told the truth—perhaps leaving some things out, because she didn't really need to worry Alex. 

"So, she tortured you." Alex's hands fretted over Kara while she sat in the sun bed, checking for bruises, for bleeding or burning or something that she could fix. 

"Stop fussing, _Mom._ " Kara teased, forcing a lighthearted smile onto her face. "Besides, I don't know if I'd call it that, you know? I mean, if it doesn't leave a mark is it really torture? I'm totally safe and sound. No big deal." She laughed. It was more of a bark than a laugh, and it wasn't funny, but she couldn't let Alex think that she wasn't able to hold herself together, not able to take a little bit of a fight.

"You know that's not true, Kara." Alex looked like she wanted to say more, but Kara turned away and pretended she was about to fall asleep. After a few seconds, in which Kara could feel frustrated energy pulsing from her sister, Alex sighed. "Please just stop being so impulsive, okay? I was worried about you. You need to think before you act."

Kara almost moved to retort, but chose to stay in her "sleeping" position. Alex lingered for a few more seconds before running a reassuring hand down Kara's arm and heading out to check on the rest of the DEO base. Kara opened her eyes, craning her neck to check that Alex actually had left. Seeing she was finally alone, she eased herself back into the sun bed, closing her eyes and settling in to nap under the yellow lights.

_"I don't particularly care how much of you is left."_

Kara eyes shot open. Perhaps she wouldn't be sleeping after all.

 __________

_Two months ago_

Kara circled the mat across from her sister as both women tried to evaluate whatever the other was about to do. Alex fought like a snake, darting in when she saw an opportunity, retreating to coil and gather strength. Kara had less technique, still; she tried to fight to surprise her opponent, which rarely works on Alex. The hero had insisted that they begin training more regularly, however, which meant that she was now able to (occasionally) predict what Alex was about to do. Alex lunged at her with an open palm strike, but Kara saw her shift her weight to her left, and avoided both the feint and the leg sweep that Alex attempted to perform. She got in a hard jab at Alex's shoulder—her sister swore under her breath, and the two continued circling each other again. 

After the events of the last few months, Kara was exhausted, and less certain of herself than she ever had been before. She had lost faith in her father, for creating the bioweapon Medusa; she had doubted the depth of her own powers and her ability to save others, especially when she wasn't able to use her powers on Maaldoria; and she had almost lost all of her trust in her best friend because of Lillian Luthor. She internally cursed herself once more for doubting Lena during the Medusa crisis—the woman was a genius, after all, and she hadn't earned Kara's distrust in the slightest. She couldn't implicate Lena with the sins of her mother, she wouldn’t doubt her again. Not ever again.

Kara cut off her own introspection with a flurry of blows directed at Alex, trying to overwhelm her with a volume of attacks and back her up against the wall. Unfortunately, Alex saw exactly what she was doing, ducked and tackled her to the ground, quickly stopping the attack.

"Too impulsive, Kara. I told you, you need to think. You don't always know what someone else is going to do in a fight, and you need to prepare for anything that's coming."

Kara huffed as she picked herself up and reset into her fighting position. "Okay. Let's go again."

Alex shook her head, turning off the Kryptonite emitters. "No. I have a hot date tonight and I'm not letting you give me a black eye because you aren't watching where your fists are going." Her tone was serious, but an excited smile played along her lips, belying her true feelings.

"Oooh, a hot date, who with?" Kara teased, nudging her sister (perhaps slightly too hard, she realized, as Alex stumbled into the wall). "Finally find someone who's worth your time?"

"Ha ha, Kara. I'm probably going to be late, and I'm telling Maggie it's because you threatened to kick her across the country."

"Oh come on, I said that like a month ago. I don't mind her at all, I'm just being protective. It's my job, remember?" Kara pointed at her sigil, exaggeratedly puffing her chest as she did so. "Supergirl, last daughter of Krypton, crusader for justice, defender of gays."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Oh my god. I'm leaving. Bye. See ya later." She swung an arm around Kara for a quick hug, checked the time, and made a face. "By the way, make sure you watch out for these new masked guys. Apparently there's some sort of new group or gang that's been causing trouble for people on the streets. Can't remember what they're called. Kill or something? Really unoriginal name." She snorted. "Just keep an ear out when you're heading home tonight." She said the last words while jogging backwards, anxious to pick up her girlfriend and _finally_ spend some time together.

"Will do. Bye," Kara called out after her, immediately missing Alex's warmth. She really didn't mind Maggie, and she appreciated that Alex was making an effort with her to improve her fighting style. She just...She wanted what Alex had. She wanted to feel that same sense of slipping into your true self, knowing what you actually wanted and being able to go after that. She was proud of Alex, but she felt a little jealous, at the same time. Her sister was the only person who she really felt normal with. Why hadn't she ever been able to feel like herself in relationships? Why did it always feel like she was missing a part of herself, or like she was hiding something? 

Kara snorted. Well, she knew _why_ ; it was because she was an alien. Because she wasn’t from here, and she didn't really get to tell anyone that and she had to keep hiding it. She stalked off to the break room to grab a snack, but slowed down as she realized that that hadn't been the case with James, who _knew_ she was Kryptonian, that she was Supergirl. What was actually missing, then? Now that she thought of it, the only person she ever truly felt comfortable with was Lena. Even after all of the doubting, the issues they had come up against with other people suspecting Lena's motives or their friendship, Kara was able to come back to Lena and feel like herself. Why couldn't she do this with anyone else? She stopped in her tracks, lost in thought, and missing her sister's company, even though she'd just left.

"Supergirl. Can we speak to you about a potential mission?"

Kara snapped back to attention, turning her gaze to J'onn and Winn. As Winn fiddled with something on his tablet, J'onn explained his idea.

"Maaldoria is the center of the galactic slave trade, and we'd like to try and find a way to infiltrate and perhaps start putting a stop to these crimes. However, we still don’t know enough about the planet. Agent Schott is working on repairing the portal to Slaver's Moon, and we'd like to ask if you would be interested in joining a team on a mission to scope out the area." 

Winn held out his tablet to her and started babbling about the portal and how he'd like her to take a look at it later, what with her technologically-oriented mind and all, but she struggled to keep her attention on him. Maaldoria had a red sun, just like Krypton's. She wouldn't have her powers. Her breathing picked up, a panic response that did her no good. Sounds around her grew indistinct and her mind started to race, telling her things that she technically knew weren't true but couldn't help but believe.

 

_"You're useless without your powers. You're worthless."_

_"No one needs you around if you're just Kara. They're only asking you out of pity."_

_"You're just as human as I am."_

 

Kara flinched visibly at the last thought, causing both men to look at her in concern. Before either of them could ask what was wrong, she stammered out an excuse and sped to the break room, desperately trying to take her mind off of Lillian. 

Lillian made her way into Kara's mind most nights as she dreamed, and most days if she doubted herself. She couldn’t stop seeing how easy it was for Lillian to destroy her without powers. How Lillian almost manipulated people into killing all aliens on the planet—how Lillian was finally taken down by her own daughter, someone who didn't have any superpowers. Kara closed her eyes, imagining what it must have been like to be raised by such a monstrous human being. She didn't understand how Lena seemed to be so... okay. How Lena reacted to her mother's existence like it was some dark joke. The CEO was so much stronger than Kara had ever been, and she hated herself for it. Kara curled her hands into fists and left the break room, making a beeline directly for the training room once more. She would beat the fear, the anger, the weakness out of herself. No matter what it took. 

__________

_One month ago_

"Supergirl, we're getting alerts of suspicious activity at Stagg Tower. A group of masked people escorted someone into the building—we didn't get an identifying picture but I'll bet you $100 it's Lillian."

Kara stopped midflight. She had just gotten off the phone with Cat Grant, asking her for advice—as Supergirl, of course. Her image had taken a hit recently; anti-alien sentiment was becoming more and more common in National City, especially after her recent battles with Metallo and Livewire, and the alien fight club from a few months back had apparently started again. People were scared of aliens in general, but they were beginning to be genuinely afraid of her, too—a mother with a small child, hurt from a car accident, had refused transport to the hospital from Supergirl, and even tried to run away from her. Kara had called Cat, upset, trying to figure out what she could to do actively combat the bad press that seemed to be interrupting her heroic duties. While Cat didn't tell her to do much differently ("One can only do so much, Supergirl. You could always try having a social media presence. Superman did it, and I'm quite certain you'd be a bit more photogenic. You would, of course, have to change out of that color-clashing suit of yours."), Kara always felt better after having spoken with her mentor. But now—Alex was reporting Lillian was here, and she immediately felt ill.

Lillian had escaped only three days ago, after kidnapping and manipulating Lena and having Metallo almost kill both Lena and Supergirl in the process. Kara had been on high alert since Lillian disappeared, barely sleeping, trying to be as visible as possible to entice the woman out of hiding, but no dice—until now. 

"What makes you so sure, Alex? Is she with Henshaw?"

"No Henshaw, as far as we can tell. The group is those guys in the masks—Kill, Cull, whatever—but they have a woman with them, with a hood pulled up over her head. Might be an abduction, the NCPD has been suspecting them of some kidnappings recently. Honestly, Kara, I don't know it's her. I just have a hunch."

Kara contemplated this for a moment, then made her decision. "I trust you. I'll go check it out."

"Okay. Please be careful. Remember to think first, Kara."

"Yeah, yeah, think before you act, I got it. I'll keep my comms on. Check in in a few."

Kara sped toward the third-tallest building in the city: Stagg Tower. It'd always been an ugly building, but the park next to it, Holliday Square, was one of her favorite places to walk through, especially in her Supergirl getup. There were always little kids there ready to say hello, ask for an autograph, and brighten her day. Unfortunately, there probably wouldn't be time for that today, but Kara made a mental note to hopefully stop by later that night. She stopped about a quarter mile away from the building and scanned every floor, looking for the masked group—and Lillian. There were at least hundreds of people on every floor, which meant she had to do her best to avoid any explosive fallout if Lillian really was there. It was difficult for her to discern any people out of the ordinary, as her vision couldn't extend to identifying skeletal features. She was certain to look for any bombs or suspicious metal devices, but as far as she could tell from a cursory scan, nothing seemed off, only a few parts of the building that must be at least partly made of lead, since she couldn't see through it. She floated closer to the building, reached a hand up to tap on her comms, to update Alex on not seeing anything suspicious. Suddenly—a familiar heartbeat, making her sick to her stomach. Lillian Luthor was in Stagg Tower. She was sure of it.

Her heart rate increased, and she hesitated in mid-air, remembering the last two times she went toe-to-toe with the Luthor matriarch. She ended up in pain, without powers, vulnerable to everything. Was it really a good idea for her to do this? Should she try and get someone else to do it? Surely someone else would be able to—

No. She couldn’t be stuck on this forever. She had to take Lillian out, and she was the least likely to be permanently hurt or killed, unlike the DEO agents who would come for backup. It had to be her. She flew closer to the window and carefully heated the glass around the borders, pushing the window in without breaking it (mentally apologizing to whoever had to fix it after her) and stepped onto the 27th floor of Stagg Tower. There, facing toward the window she came through, stood Lillian Luthor. 

"Supergirl. How wonderfully predictable you are." Lillian laughed—Kara hated that she cackled, like some kind of comic book supervillain. "So good to see you. Tell me, how have you been doing these last few days?" 

Kara bristled in anger and took a few menacing steps toward her enemy. "Lillian. No backup for you this time? What, do you think you can handle me all by yourself?"

Lillian held up a finger, on a hand that was gripping... something. It looked like a metal spider, connecting legs up and down her hand and wrist, blinking red every second or so. "Ah ah ah, Supergirl. I wouldn't come much closer, if I were you. You might be tempted to do something you would regret."

Kara zeroed in on Lillian's hand. "What is that? Some new trick Cadmus has up their sleeve? I have no problem destroying your terrorism tech."

"Ah, see, that would be your undoing. This is what we on Earth refer to as a 'dead man's switch.'" Lillian smirked evilly, crossing her arms in front of her.

Kara paled. She knew what a dead man's switch was generally used for—a fail-safe that generally stopped a machine if the operator wasn't able to control the device. However, it was more likely that this dead man's switch wasn't connected to a machine, but probably—

"Explosives. Surrounding the whole building, Supergirl. Didn't you notice the lead columns as you came in? Completely hollow, making it more than easy enough to hide bombs that could take out the whole building. They're all connected to my heartbeat, through this little device right here." Lillian waved her device-covered hand at Kara. "I stop breathing, this building stops standing. Almost 2,500 people work here, Supergirl. Are you really prepared to risk their lives to take mine?"

Kara stopped dead in her tracks, thinking hard. If she could get the device off of Lillian, she might be able to—no, because that would mean it wouldn't detect her heart rate. Perhaps if she flew away with Lillian and tried to figure it out after? Lillian tutted as Kara took a halting step forward and reached behind her to pull out a dagger.

A green dagger, one made of Kryptonite.

Even as Kara took steps back, she could feel a low drain on her powers. Getting too close to Lillian would cause problems with her powers, and trying to get rid of the Kryptonite knife could end up in Kara harming Lillian and blowing up the building before she had the chance to stop it. She had no choice but to sit and listen to the leader of Cadmus.

Kara struggled not to panic, but she could feel her throat becoming hot, her chest heaving. She reached up, pretending to adjust her hair, but tapped into her comms three times—no words, but an emergency signal for Alex.

"We're on our way, Kara. Stay calm," Alex's voice urged. Kara relaxed slightly and managed to stand up straight, looking Lillian directly in the eyes.

"So. What do you want?" 

"Why, your help, of course, Supergirl. Isn't that the kind of thing you live and breathe to do?"

 Lillian walked over to the bar in the office, pouring herself a drink. Kara was stricken by the woman's resemblance to Lena; they weren't biologically related, but Lena had clearly picked up some mannerisms and habits from the person who had raised her for most of her life.

"I'd like to discuss a working relationship, between you and I."

"What?!" Kara spat, unable to help her derision. "What could you possibly get from me that I would be willing to give you?"

"Well. As Cadmus has recently fallen on some more difficult times, thanks to you, I've had to make some new friends." At this, several masked figures walked silently into the room, wearing body armor, but holding no weapons. They stood behind Lillian, a small army in expressionless gray masks. "The name of the group is no matter to you, but they've been my partners in a new.. project. In order for all of us to fully carry through on this project, I need you to do something for me." 

"If you could get to the point." Kara stated sourly.

Lillian's smile didn't change, but her eyes darkened. "I need you to kill every alien on this planet, and to bring their bodies to me." 

Kara chuckled mirthlessly. "You're out of your mind."

"Agree to disagree." Lillian's mouth hardened into a smooth line. "I realize this isn't something you want to do, but I'm certain we can come to an agreement. After all, I know just how important family is, and I'm sure that even though yours is not quite as genuine as a real family, you still certainly care about your parents. Your sister."

"You really don't know me very well if you think you can get away with threatening my family. They can take care of themselves."

"Oh, can they though?" Lillian gestured at one of the masked men at her side, and he silently pulled a tablet from the desk behind him. He tapped a few things on the screen, then handed it to Lillian, who turned it toward Kara. 

Eliza stood washing dishes onscreen. The camera must have been in the house, because it was at eye-level facing her back. Lillian tapped on the screen. Jeremiah—who was already in her captivity—was bound and gagged, struggling against his ties on a chair. She tapped again. Alex, in a car, driving next to Vazquez. How had Lillian managed to even get a camera into a DEO car? Tap. James in his office at CatCo, giving out orders to the design team. Tap. Winn, _in the DEO_ , furiously talking to someone on the phone. Lillian had somehow managed to bypass all of the security at the DEO, in their tech, in their cars—how? What kind of insider information did she have about the inner workings of the DEO, about the aliens—

 

Tap.

 

Lena, sitting at her desk. Lena, who spent her days working as hard as she could to get out from Lex's and Lillian's shadows. Lena, who was reserved and professional until Kara got her to laugh, and was the goofiest, funniest, warmest person Kara had ever had the pleasure of spending time with. Lena, her best friend, the sunshine in both her good and bad days.

Kara looked up, feeling the wetness on her cheeks but ignoring it. "Your own daughter? You would threaten your own daughter just for your own agenda?"

Lillian looked at the screen impassively, then turned it off. "Lena has never been my daughter. She was merely a reminder for Lionel that he kept around for nostalgia. I couldn't care less about her." Lillian's eyes gleamed. "Unlike you. And let's face it, isn't this what she would want? How did she put it—oh yes. A Luthor, and a Super, working together. Ridding the world of monsters, one at a time." 

"You've had her bugged this whole time." Kara shook her head in disbelief. "You're the worst of humanity I've ever seen."

Lillian laughed, a genuine laugh of amusement, pealing around the room. "Even the worst of humanity is better than you, Supergirl. The only way you could ever redeem yourself is by ridding the world of the invaders you brought upon it."

Kara snarled at her. "I would never help you. I was brought here to protect from harm, and I won't cause it in your name. Not now, not ever."

Lillian didn't react to her statement, but dismissed the masked figures behind her. They filed out of the room. Kara watched them apprehensively as they left, but returned her gaze to Lillian as soon as the last one was gone. Lillian smiled once more, thin-lipped, and said, "Then you are worthless."

 

She disappeared without a trace, as if she'd been wiped clean from the earth.

 

Blinking in shock, Kara looked around wildly. Surely that must have been a hologram or something—Kara had seen villains do this before and they had done that thing with Tupac—but she had heard Lillian's heartbeat. She was definitely here still, and Kara could hear her. Cursing her poor directional hearing, Kara spun around wildly, trying to figure out where Lillian was and how she could have disappeared into thin air.

"Ah, do you like my new trick? I did tell you I'd made some new friends."

Lillian's voice floated from her right, and Kara turned slowly, trying to pinpoint the woman.

"You see, they've been experimenting with some biological tricks lately. Mostly involuntary subjects, but some have volunteered as well. Requires a bit of exposure to radiation, but, well, life is short anyway, and you know as well as I do that radiation isn't so bad." Lillian's tone was teasing yet cruel, taunting Kara as she tried to find its source.

"I don't necessarily agree with all of their methods—after all, I don't think humans need much enhancement in the first place. But after I consulted with Lex, I thought maybe it would be a way to get onto a more even playing field with the world's newest invaders. So I did it. I let them experiment with me a little bit, and in turn, they helped Cadmus find its way into a few nooks and crannies that they hadn't been able to before. You saw the highlight reel earlier, you get the picture."

Kara breathed in deeply, trying to keep calm. So this group had somehow infiltrated the DEO, and her mother's home, and Lena's office. How was this happening? How far was their reach? She listened—was that the crack of Lillian's joints? Her clothes swishing together, to the right?

"How does it feel, Supergirl? To know a human is able to defeat you on their own power, on their own terms? How does it feel to know that once you're gone, your family will be joining you as soon as I can manage it? How does it feel to know that you're a monster?"

Kara's breath caught in her throat, and she suppressed the tears rising in the back of her throat as she imagined Eliza slaughtered in her kitchen, Winn bombed at the DEO, James destroyed in his Guardian suit, _Alex dead in a car crash—_ wait. She could feel her powers draining. Lillian was getting closer and closer to her. She held her breath, listening hard, and—

 

 _"It's time to go, Supergirl."_ Lillian's whisper brushed against her ear as she slid the dagger into Kara's back, just below her ribs. As the knife entered her skin, Kara spun around, fists raised—and her fist connected with something warm, breathing, human—with Lillian. She heard a loud crack.

Lillian shimmered back into existence, horror on her face. She looked down at the same time as Kara, staring at the depression in Lillian's chest, right over her heart. Kara had crushed her chest with one blow. The indentation quickly blossomed into redness, and blood bubbled at Lillian's lips as she struggled to speak.

 

"I. I......"

 

Lillian staggered and fell, Kara holding onto the woman as she did so. She felt herself bleeding profusely—the knife had gone through her back all the way to the front of her abdomen—but she pulled out the knife and tossed it aside, ignoring the bleeding. Lillian was dying, in her arms. She had caused this. This was her fault. She had killed someone. 

"Oh Rao. Oh no." Kara repeated over and over again rapidly, trying to staunch the bleeding with her cape. "I'll get help, I'll do something, I'll—"

Lillian shook her head, her expression—regretful? She tried to speak again, but only managed to produce more blood, dribbling past her chin. She gave up and waved her hand frantically at Kara.

 

The dead man's switch.

 

"Oh Rao." How had Kara managed to forget in such a short period of time? She had acted impulsively _again_ , and this time, it could cost hundreds of lives. She dropped Lillian gently and sped to the window, listening intently. There were too many bombs for her to move them quickly enough. She had to get everyone out, before Stagg Tower fell on top of them. She flew just outside of the building, now beginning to notice the pain in her abdomen—the dagger had sliced her clean through and she couldn't heal as quickly from a Kryptonite wound, she had to get medical attention—but she needed to fix what she did first. She took one last deep breath, spared a look at the woman dying behind her, and flew as quickly as she could through the tower, screaming about bombs the entire way. Kara got to the fourth floor when she heard it—

 

_Lub-dup. Lub-dup. Lub-_

Lillian's heart stopped.

 

A beat passed. Kara waited. Perhaps the bombs wouldn't go off, perhaps Lillian was lying, maybe they had messed up something with—

 

A bright light from above her, a boom reached her ears, and—

 

Stagg Tower fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: "Oh this fic probably won't need a 'graphic depictions of violence' tag."  
> Me, six chapters later: *has someone getting their chest crushed*  
> Me: okay, we'll add a tag.
> 
> Also, I'm pretty sure Google has an alert on me now for the shit I had to google for this chapter. "Dead man's switch" "how much force does it take to crush someone's chest" etc.
> 
> Hope this helped clear some things up from past chapters and also added several more layers of confusion! Please ask questions or feel free to speculate in the comments section. Or if you want to compliment me or rave about how mean I am, I welcome it all. Follow me on tumblr @lesbiansupporter if you want to see a disorganized untagged blog or if you want to chat about the fic. I'm really getting way too into writing it. Expect an update by Thursday!


	7. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena reels from Kara's revelation, and recalls her meetings with the one person who understood her relationship with Lillian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey back from a completely unintended hiatus! Sorry I haven't updated in like a month, I was tired. And also, this chapter was very difficult to write, and I had month-long writer's block. Some of the things Lena describes or recalls in this chapter are from previous chapters, so you may want to refer back if you're confused by where things are coming from. Stay tuned for the angst and inconsistent chapter lengths. Another reminder to pay attention to the news articles at the beginnings of chapters, as well as extra details--we still have a lot to go through in this fic. 
> 
> CW: emotional abuse, descriptions of scar

_THE NATIONAL CITY SENTINEL_

_The Complicated Legacy of Lillian Luthor_

_Today marks one month since the funeral of one of the most influential proponents of regenerative and human evolution research, Lillian Luthor. She was 57. It was hard to believe that Dr. Luthor truly was deceased until her coffin was lowered into the ground before the eyes of half the press staff of National City, her respected colleagues in human subjects research, and her only child allowed to attend the funeral, Lena Luthor. [Her son, Lex Luthor, is currently serving 28 life sentences at Belle Reve Federal Penitentiary, and was not allowed temporary release for fear of his escape.] Dr. Luthor was truly an outstanding figure in science and throughout society, for better or for worse. She brought about significant progress in human gene editing, performing some of the first trials in eliminating genetic diseases in embryos, children, and adults. She was almost entirely self-funded, and donated large sums of profits from her patents to hospitals and universities from the Luthor Foundation, the family's long-lasting charitable organization. She even created a scholarship for young women in STEM, citing her commitment to bringing science to everyone from any background. Before Lillian’s death, nearly all accounts would have painted her as a paragon of progress and virtue._

_However, Lillian Luthor was not as benevolent as her public portrait seemed. She is now most well-known as being the mother of Lex Luthor, infamous xenophobe and a high-profile American terrorist. Lillian raised a criminal mastermind, a cruel genius who geared himself for genocide of aliens and anyone who sought to defend them. Lex’s xenophobia was subtle until his infamous attacks on Superman, well-hidden by his generous philanthropy and positive public profile. It is now thought that Lex crafted his persona in Lillian’s image, as the doctor’s views were much the same. In private circles, Lillian disparaged aliens, immigrants, same-sex marriage, mental illness, and recipients of government assistance, and actively supported legislation and lobbies that set back or reduced the alien rights movement. She is rumored to have had connections in the criminal world as it relates to anti-alien crime, but no further evidence has surfaced, and Lena Luthor has declined to comment._  

_Dr. Luthor’s views did not become well-known until shortly before her death, but some are now questioning if her public support of her son after his crimes should have clued in the rest of the world as to her true feelings. Her philanthropic work has now been complicated by her true motivations, and several companies have vowed to repay her contributions forward to pro-alien rights organizations. There are many questions the public must now ask themselves, questions that can no longer be answered by the perpetrator herself. Is her work permanently tarnished by the mere fact of her reputation? Is using the money from the Luthor Foundation akin to using blood money, covered in the injustice done toward aliens? What of her scientific work—much of it has been discovered to be founded in anti-alien roots, or done upon unwilling alien subjects. There is much still to uncover about the true Lillian Luthor, and the curiosity of the public sees no bounds. Except for one person—her adoptive daughter, Lena Luthor. Ms. Luthor, the CEO of L-Corp, has declined to comment on much of her mother's crimes and is unavailable to comment at the time of publishing this article. However, she made it very clear before taking her leave of absence that she was unaware of most of her mother's less savory activities and that L-Corp is not associated with any prejudice that her mother held._

_Ms. Luthor may very well be the last remaining person associated with the Luthor family who will be able to clear its name. The mantle of Luthor falls exclusively upon her shoulders now, and the world will anxiously await to see what she does next._

_\--NC SENTINEL_

 

__________

 

Lena was teetering on the edge between hysteria and full-on emotional shutdown. 

They were kneeling on the ground, practically on top of the grave. The wet grass was seeping slowly through their clothes and soaking into her skin, but she barely felt the cold. Kara had just finished telling her story of what had truly happened in Stagg Tower on the day her moth-- _Lillian_ died. About the things she said to Kara. What she said about Lena. ( _Lena has never been my daughter.)_ Lena had sat in silence, at first barely hearing Kara’s confession after the revelation that her mother’s death was not, in fact, truly a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. She felt as if she'd known this on a subconscious level, at least; with the issues leading up to her mother's arrest and death, there was almost no way that her mother had been just been lying low in Stagg Tower with no ulterior motives. There were so many unanswered questions that had just been confirmed by Kara's story, and as conflicted as Lena’s feelings were at the moment, she knew Kara was telling the truth.

The problem was that she wished Kara was lying.

“It was me. I just reacted. I killed her and I’m so sorry, Lena, I don’t have the words--”

Lena held up a hand, overwhelmed, her heart pounding loudly enough that she was certain Kara was being deafened by it. She stared at the ground for—a minute? Two minutes?—avoiding eye contact, trying desperately to unhear the truth. ( _I couldn't care less about her.)_ Tears rolled down her face, dripping onto the dusty ground in front of her. She wasn’t sure why she was crying. Grief? Anger, with Kara? With Lillian?

Relief?

She recognized on some level how difficult this had to be for Kara, but at the moment, she didn't care. Her best friend had killed her mother, after her mother had tried to kill her best friend. Lena laughed inwardly. She could almost guarantee this had never happened to anyone else quite in this manner. Only a Luthor could have pulled this off, of course. Only her mother would have actively tried to kill Supergirl, only Kara would have been able to _smash in someone's chest_ , only Lena would have to deal with everyone's consequences.

( _Not my daughter. Couldn't care less.)_

She finally looked up to see Kara staring at her in desperation. Kara’s face was blotchy, swollen, imperfect in a way she didn’t think was possible for the Kryptonian to achieve. Her eyes were rimmed with redness, filled with tears and mirrored grief, and Lena suddenly realized she couldn’t sit in silence with that heartbreak staring back at her.

“Why.” Lena rasped. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want to lose you.” Kara’s voice was raw. “I didn’t want you to be angry with me, or never speak to me again. I was so afraid of losing you. Rao, I’m--I’m so sorry. I know it was selfish and stupid and cruel and I should have told you but--” The blonde stuttered; she breathed in deeply and tried again. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done. For who I am. I just--I couldn’t lose you. I’ve lost so many people, Lena, and I couldn’t handle losing you too.”

Kara bent her head downward abruptly, almost resting it on her chest, and Lena got a distinct impression of someone waiting to either be knighted or beheaded, kneeling in submission before their final judgement. It was odd, this sudden imbalance of power between them. Lena didn't like it.

“Kara.”

The hero’s head shot up, partially covered in shadow. They had been sitting there for some time; the sun had started to set.

She was torn--wanting to cry, wanting to fall apart, wanting to scream at Kara, at Lillian, wanting to comfort her friend, wanting to wipe away her tears and tell her she was forgiven. She wanted to do all of it, at once. She wanted to not know what Kara had done, to not have any reason to doubt the only person she had complete trust in. She wanted to not be a Luthor. To not be Lillian’s daughter. ( _Lena has never been my daughter.)_ To have no reason to be at this grave, to pass through Montana without a thought, to keep driving and driving until everything was left behind.

_(I couldn't care less about her.)_

She wanted to run.

“I need to be alone. I need to process this, to--to handle this, and I have to do that by myself.” Lena’s voice was far steadier than she felt, but she quashed the trembling in her chest and breathed in slowly--one, two, three, four—and back out slowly, breath hissing past her lips as she tried to follow the box breathing technique she'd learned so long ago. "I don't know how to do this, and I haven't figured it out yet. So I need to not be with you right now."

The look in Kara's eyes was crushing. It truly was remarkable how much she resembled a kicked puppy at that instant, but not in a heartwarming way—more like the trembling, fearful and resigned manner of a dog that hadn't known anything but abuse and abandonment. Lena almost cracked. But she didn't.

"But I'm coming back." Kara looked away, looked as if she was rolling her eyes in doubt. Lena pressed forward, timidly laying one hand over Kara's. "Kara. I swear to you I'm coming back."

The Kryptonian nodded cautiously, trying to wipe away her tears with a free hand, hiding the vulnerability as best she could. "Okay. I'll go back to the hotel. I'll...see you later?" 

"Absolutely." Her decisive CEO tone came in handy at that moment, overcoming the prodigious heartache lending doubt to her future actions. "I'm going to take the car. You're good getting there on your own?"

Kara almost snorted. "Yeah I think I've got it. I'll just run over." Her eyes flicked across Lena worriedly. "Just. Text me if you need anything? Or if anything changes? Or if—"

"I will, Kara."

With that, the hero took off without another look, and Lena was left with a profound sense of loss. Whether it was about Kara or Lillian, she wasn't sure.

( _Not my daughter. Couldn't care less.)_

She got in the car and began to drive, with no goal in mind. She almost regretted sending Kara away, because it meant she had no one to talk to about the mess that was her life. Her father had died in a freak accident, leaving nothing to mourn. Her brother was in prison. Her mother was dead. Her best friend had killed her mother. She had no other friends, no other family members. She was an orphan, without friends, without roots, and, at the moment, without commitments. There was no one to talk to, no one to notice if she vanished off of the face of the earth right now. That was a dangerous thought, one she'd rather avoid thinking about if she could. But she was alone, and there was no one to distract her from the depths of her own thoughts and memories.

It was times like this when she desperately missed therapy.

 

__________

_8 years ago_

“So what brought you to the counseling center today?”

Lena, sitting rigidly in the admittedly comfortable armchair, avoid eye contact. She instead fiddled with her rings, staring at her chipped black nail polish. A professor had insisted that she visit the counseling center at least once after her breakdown in his office, and hadn’t stopped prodding her until she made an appointment. She mused that perhaps he had crossed a moral line of sorts; professors were not allowed to interfere in the private lives of their students, and it was entirely possible she would be able to get him in administrative hot water had she reported it. But no, no--that was her family talking, she liked the professor, and she had even followed through on attending the appointment, which she absolutely could have lied about. It wasn’t like she didn’t have experience in doing so. But she caved, and had called the center, set up an appointment, gone through her screening, and was now sitting across from a woman--Arlene, she had introduced herself as Arlene--with warm eyes and all-too-eager expression. Lena sourly glanced upwards, looked briefly into Arlene's deep brown eyes, then went back to her rings.

“Just so you know, this visit can be whatever you want to make of it.” The counselor seemed a tad anxious, in Lena’s opinion. “This first visit is pretty much an introduction, but it can also be a one-time thing if you’d just like to vent about something, or if you need someone to talk to. If you think maybe you’re going through anything bigger than that, this is a good time for us to talk about what’s generally bothering you, and we'll evaluate at the end of your session today whether it would be a good idea to continue anything long-term here.”

Lena nodded slowly, still not making eye contact. She didn’t want to be here, and she certainly would not consider continuing counseling _long-term_. It wasn’t like she was going through anything necessarily big. Her reaction had been totally unnecessary and, as her mother would point out, overly sensitive and dramatic. She had gotten a B- on an engineering project, and went to her professor’s office hours, ostensibly to argue for a better grade. However, she was...emotionally compromised, and her professor’s kindness had undermined all intents of argument. The conversation turned from her grade to her overall experience in school, and how she was “doing, emotionally.” She resisted at first, but admitted to struggling, to feeling anxious and neurotic and unable to concentrate. Her project had turned from normal school assignment to the crux of her life. Lena had stopped eating regularly, functioned on little sleep, devoted all of her time into nitpicking and changing the plan and revising, until she had to rush to finish a half-baked idea the day before the deadline. She struggled to convey to her professor how unacceptable this was, how she needed to be doing better, how she knew she deserved a poor score and failure and his open disappointment but also how she craved success, needed it to feel herself, to feel intelligent, to feel real--

Lena winced slightly at the memory of her inability to control her emotions, sighed, and decided to get this over with.

“I don’t know why I came here. Just feeling a little down, I suppose. My professor mentioned I should look into coming here.”

Arlene smiled brightly, clearly exuberant about getting an actual response from the student. “Ah, yes, Professor Burke actually gave us a quick call to look out for your appointment.” At Lena’s aghast expression, she quickly amended her statement. “He can’t get any information on your appointments or anything you say here, of course. We’re strictly confidential. He just wanted to make sure you could get an appointment if you needed it.”

“I don’t _need_ to be here,” Lena snapped. She cursed internally at her own reaction (why couldn’t she control herself? What was wrong with her?) but externally regained her composure, smoothing out the imaginary wrinkles in her neatly pressed button-down.

Arlene raised a reassuring hand. “Of course you don’t need to be here. I misspoke.” Lena relaxed, if a bit sullenly. “Why don’t you tell me what’s been going on lately? How are your classes? What are you majoring in again--I think I read engineering of some sort?”

“Biomedical engineering.” Lena’s chin rose slightly, proud and defensive of her field. “Classes are fine. I’m able to handle my work sufficiently, for the most part.” She added in a mutter, “Professor Burke doesn’t always seem to think so, apparently.”

Arlene cocked her head. “Do you think so? He spoke very highly of you over the phone, said you were one of the brightest students he’d ever had.”

Blinking in surprise, Lena opened her mouth to protest any kind of praise, but quickly thought better. “Really? That’s, um. Unexpected.”

“Why is that?”

“I could be doing better in his class. I didn’t do particularly well on the last project.” Lena’s voice was casual, her comment offhanded, yet Arlene could hear the tenseness underlying her words. "He thought it seemed rushed and without my 'usual thought and care.'" Her air quotes elicited a smirk from Arlene, and Lena—against her better judgment—offered a half-smile back.

"Was it?" 

"Was it what?"

"Without your usual thought and care. Did you put a lot of effort into the project?"

Lena's eyes narrowed slightly while she considered Arlene. Arlene was actually somewhat uncomfortable under the young woman's piercing gaze, but decided to be resolute in her gentle return of Lena's stare. Thankfully, Lena sighed softly and nodded.

"Technically, no. But I did put a lot of effort into the project overall, just...not the one I ended up turning in." Arlene stayed quiet, hoping for an expansion on what Lena meant.

"I had two other drafts that I could have continued but I didn't because I _knew_ I could do better. I had it all laid out and it was much better than the other two, I just... I didn't have any time to get it up to par. I like to make sure that my work is up to a certain caliber." Lena cleared her throat, looking mildly uncomfortable. The pride that had been present when she was discussing her major before was now gone, replaced by a careful front of neutrality. Arlene nodded while trying to understand why it sounded like Lena was repeating someone else's words.

"So it sounds like you had trouble making a decision."

Lena opened her mouth and seemed to flounder for a moment. "Well. I wouldn't say. I don't know if it was really a lack of a decision, it was more like... Um, I think I probably didn't manage my time correctly and failed to commit to the details of the project."

Arlene's eyebrows briefly crinkled in confusion, then smoothed as she realized what Lena was trying to do. "Lena, I'm not your professor. You don't have to come up with reasons for what happened with your project. I'm not talking to anyone else outside about this outside of this appointment. It's just you and me."

She knew she was pushing a line with this student, this attempting-to-be-cold young girl who really seemed to have an excellent façade of having her life together going. The barely controlled anger on Lena's face told her as much. But she also knew that there was no getting through to someone who refused to let their actual vulnerabilities show. This was early on to be calling Lena on any lies, but the earlier they established a permanent truth-telling atmosphere, the better she would be able to help.

Lena's jaw was clenching and unclenching, and the girl had gone from anger to pensiveness. Finally, after almost a full minute, she responded to Arlene.

"I had a project ready to go. I showed it to a classmate and ended up speaking to my mother over the phone about it. She didn't seem to be satisfied with my level of originality, so I changed it. Twice."

"Were you satisfied with your first iteration of the project?"

"Of course. It would have gotten me an A and I was happy with the details of it. My third version was better, of course, I just didn't have time to finish it." Lena jutted her chin out, as if to punctuate her statement.

"So you changed it because of your mother, even though you had a project you were already satisfied with?"

Lena rolled her eyes. "Yes, I did. Now's the part where you tell me I have mommy issues and a fear of failure and time management problems, right? Or perhaps you'll go for the original take and tell the adopted kid she's got abandonment issues?" Her tone was openly hostile and Arlene thought perhaps she had had a negative prior experience with therapists.

"I try to avoid stereotypes, but I honestly couldn't tell you if any of those things were true. I do think perhaps you're not certain you want to succeed, however."

Lena opened her mouth to protest, then closed it, seemingly surprised. She didn't have anything to say to that, and she didn't know if Arlene was actually...wrong. She was afraid of failure, of course—who wasn't, truly—but to be afraid of success simultaneously? It was asking for more attention, more eyes on what she was doing, more stringent observation from her mother, more comparison to Lex. Success didn't truly mean success for her, it meant an onslaught of higher and higher unreachable expectations.

Arlene interrupted her thoughts. "This is actually bringing us near the end of our session today, unfortunately. I understand that this may not have been quite the experience you were looking for, and while I would be glad to see you again, I'm more interested in hearing what you think." She looked at Lena expectantly. "What do you say? Shall we call it a day, or would you like to schedule another appointment?"

Still mildly stunned something had actually _happened_ during this appointment, Lena nodded mutely.

__________

_7 ½ years ago_

"So how is your social life these days?"

Arlene's tone was teasing, but gentle. They had fallen into a routine these past few months, and she had been pleasantly surprised to find that underneath the cold and 'edgy' exterior, Lena was funny, warm, and sweet. They were currently trying to work through some of Lena's perfectionism issues coupled with her self-sabotaging, and Arlene suspected that other influences may have been at work in Lena's life.

Lena rolled her eyes playfully, kicking her legs from where they sat over the arm of the chair. "Sorry, what social life?"

At Arlene's insistent glare, Lena sighed and straightened her posture. "It's my birthday this weekend."

"Ah! Well, happy early birthday. 21?"

"Yep."

Frowning slightly, the counselor shifted in her chair. "You don't seem excited."

"I'm not, particularly. Like I said. Not much of a social life."

"This isn't really something we've talked much about. I know you've mentioned your lab partner Amir, and your roommate Chloe, but I don't recall the other friends you've mentioned."

Lena's posture suddenly changed—head down, picking at her nails—and she mumbled something inaudible.

"Sorry, I can't quite hear you."

"That's because I haven't mentioned any." The girl's voice was low but audible this time. "I don't exactly have any other friends."

Arlene blinked once, twice. It was a problem that some of her shyer clients had suffered with, but it didn't seem like something that would have bothered someone like Lena. Still, everyone was different, and even after six months with her, she didn't know many aspects of Lena's life.

"Okay. I didn't know that. Does that bother you?"

"Of course it bothers me," Lena snapped at her therapist, and Arlene got a brief glimpse of the angry girl who had walked into her office one day and slumped into a chair. "I've been here for two years and I still don't have any friends. At this point, it's not even worth it. I'll be moving to the graduate program next semester anyway, and I'll hopefully be done with that in a year. Then I'll leave. No one to miss means less nostalgia about moving on."

Her voice broke on her last word, and Lena closed her eyes in frustration. She hadn't stopped wanting to control her emotions, regardless of her semi-weekly sessions with Arlene. There were certain topics where she had particular problems controlling the expression of her internalized feelings, and friends...well, friends were a problem.

"You didn't mention anything about making friends just now, though," Arlene pointed out. "Would you be potentially interested in making some friends in the few years you have left here?"

"Hard to do when you are who I am." Lena bit the words out almost sarcastically, but both she and Arlene knew she was speaking at least her own personal truth.

"Why, because of your family?"

"Well, part of it is that." Lena began playing idly with the rake in Arlene's zen garden, etching out small patterns as she continued on. "I have to protect my family from people who are trying to take advantage, just as they protected me during early years. It happens quite frequently, if you were to go by what Lex says." She rolled her eyes affectionately at the thought of her protective older brother—he was occasionally paranoid, and while it was sometimes annoying, it was simply one of his quirkier traits. "Part of it is also... well, me."

"What do you mean?"

Lena stared at Arlene like she thought the counselor may have suddenly gone blind, then gestured at herself. "I mean, I know you have to be objective and everything, but I'm not exactly the easiest person to get along with."

Arlene frowned and put her clipboard aside. "I actually wouldn't say that. We haven't known each other for very long, but you're honestly a very charming person. I would say you're very easy to get along with, especially once you warm up to people."

Lena barked out a painful-sounding laugh. "You don't have to say things just to be nice, Arlene."

"I don't say things to be nice, Lee. You and I have discussed how you would rather I be blunt with you, and I'm doing so now. I see no particular reason why you wouldn't be able to make friends based on the sessions we've had so far." Arlene's tone was controlled and easy, and she even used the nickname Lena had cautiously approved, but she sensed the conversation was reaching a tense point.

Lena swallowed hard. "Look. I have known ever since I was a little girl that making friends was something that was going to be hard for me. Yes, a big part of that is just because of the family I come from, but I'm also _not_ easy to get along with! I don't need friends, okay? I get along fine on my own."

"Who told you that?"

Lena averted her eyes. "I don't know what you mean."

"I mean, who told you that you weren't easy to get along with? That's the second time you've said it."

The girl shrugged and said, "My mother. Not my birth mother, my—Lillian. She told me I couldn't make friends because of what I was like. It's not a big deal."

Arlene's shoulders sagged slightly as she began to realize how strong Mrs. Luthor's influence was on Lena. "Okay. I think that it's not that you can't make friends, but maybe you don't know how to make friends yet. Do we want to talk about that or maybe save it for a different session?"

"I'd rather we not talk about it at all."

"Lena, we can't move past things if we don't talk about them."

" _We_ aren't talking about our things at all. _I'm_ talking about it and you're listening." Lena mocked back. She flinched at her own words and dropped her gaze once more. "Sorry. Uncalled for."

"It's okay, I get it. I do want to talk about this at some point, okay? This is a journey and sometimes the detours are necessary."

Lena muttered, "I'd rather not be on the journey and be instantly fine, but whatever."

Arlene laughed aloud, a boisterous laugh that seemed unusually large coming from a small woman. "You know, I wish I could give that to you. Unfortunately, this is the best I can do."

"Yeah, well." Lena bumped the therapist's knee with her own. "I appreciate it."

__________

_7 years ago_

The door slammed open to reveal Lena, with damp hair and streaked makeup. Arlene looked up at her in surprise, looked outside to see rain pelting the windows, then looked back at the drenched girl in amusement.

"Caught in the storm?" Arlene began filing some of her papers away to start their session—Lena was a bit early, but she didn't mind having five extra minutes with one of her favorite patients (not that she could ever tell Lena this).

"What's wrong with me?"

Arlene paused, frozen by the sound of tears clogging Lena's voice. She turned around and dropped the papers back onto her desk, speaking cautiously. "I'm not sure what you mean."

The student huffed and clenched her jaw. "What's _wrong_ with me, Arlene? Why can't I keep my emotions under control? Why do I do everything wrong? Why am I not getting fucking better?"

Lena rarely swore, and mostly only did so when overcome with emotion. Arlene knew that something like this had been bubbling up within Lena, and wanted to tread carefully—this was a vital moment. "What's bringing this on?"

The girl slumped into the chair and put her head in her hands, speaking in a low voice. "I was on the phone with my mother earlier, and she was talking about Lex, of course, telling me about her genius son and his genius plans and how well he's doing under Father at LexCorp. And then she finally asked how everything was going, you know, and I decided that I was finally going to tell her how I'd been coming to see you and that I felt better than I had in a while. And—and when I told her, she started to laugh." Lena was crying in earnest now, and Arlene's heart broke. "She kept telling me that I had no reason to go see anyone, that I had everything in the world given to me, that I was just ungrateful even though they've given me everything and all of my complaining was taking up time that other people deserved."

She looked smaller than usual in her chair, curled up into the corner, as if she was trying to sink into the crevice between the cushions. Arlene began to speak but stopped when Lena continued in a whisper.

"And she's _right._ They gave me everything. I have nothing to complain about. I have more money at my disposal than most people could ever dream of and I have two parents and a brother and I don't have to worry about student loans or not having food or not having a place to live. I've just been making it up, Arlene. I don't have real problems. I'm not worth your time."

Lena's eyes strayed to Arlene's hands. White knuckled hands, gripping the arms of her chair. She looked up, startled, to see the counselor's face contorted in an attempt to mask her anger. For a moment, she was afraid.

"Lena." Arlene spoke calmly, slowly, every word making its way through a filter. "You are worth my time. Every person who comes here is worth my time, and you are no different. You have real problems, problems you and I have been working on finding ways to combat, problems that are as different from other people's issues because _you_ are a different person. You need help just as much as every other patient I see here."

"But I—"

Arlene cut her off. "Lena, what do you think the common factor is in all of your problems?"

"Uhm. Well, I assume it would be me, I already know that—"

"No. Think about it. Not all of the problems you have to deal with even have you as a factor. Think about why you feel like you can't make friends, or why you feel like you're in Lex's shadow. Think about who made you feel like this today."

Recognition dawned in Lena's eyes, but her lips stayed stubbornly shut.

Lips pursed, Arlene shook her head. "I can't admit things for you."

Silence.

The quiet continued for several moments, then—

"Mother," Lena breathed out, an admission of someone else's guilt. She'd known her mother wasn't a good parent per se, that she put a lot of pressure onto Lena and idolized Lex. But she found it... difficult to blame her mother, the person who raised her, the person who constantly reminded her how they saved her from orphanhood. The person who also reminded her that she was a bastard, a product of adultery, not a 'real Luthor.' The woman who regularly manipulated her, insulted her, drove her to the brink of snapping, then claimed she was doing it out of love.

Okay, perhaps not so difficult to blame her after all. Lena again cursed her blind spots in the form of her family, and turned her attention back to the therapist. "Not everything is about her."

"Never said it was. But I think you're overestimating how much of this falls on you."

The student snickered softly. "Well, I like to think I have a lot of power. I am a Luthor, after all." Arlene rolled her eyes at the often-said comment, but smiled all the same.

"She's not a bad person. She's...she's just not always a good mother. I know she loves me, but I also think she knows what she's doing to me," Lena admitted. Arlene bit her lip at this—she thought quite poorly of the Luthor matriarch, but realized the things she truly wanted to say were out of order and far over the line.

"You ready to talk about this?"  

Wetting her lips and grabbing a tissue from Arlene's desk, Lena nodded. "Yeah. Okay."

"This will probably take a while. But I promise you, this is just us, okay, Lee? You don't have to be afraid to say anything."

Lena smiled a watery smile. "I know. I trust you."

__________

 

_7 years ago—three days after Lex's arrest_

They'd been talking about Lillian for the last two sessions, and had made some headway with Lena admitting to things Lillian had done or said to her. As Arlene watched the news, however, she realized that this was about to be undone. Lex Luthor was entering the Metropolis jail to await his trial. He had planted several bombs, which had led to the deaths of over 100 people, including a dozen children who were killed at their daycare. Lex had tried to kill Superman, armed with a glowing green weapon that nearly penetrated the hero's heart. He had finally been taken into captivity by Superman—this moment had been captured by media, as Superman took Lex down during a raving monologue.

Her cousin had been killed by Lex directly—a police officer who had attempted to stop the man from continuing his reign of terror. She'd been very close with him, and watching Lex walk into the jailhouse was the only thing ameliorating the raw pain she felt at his loss. His funeral had occurred before anyone truly knew what was going on with the Luthor heir, and while his capture should have been closure, it didn't feel right.

On the television, Lena was standing with her mother and father near the courthouse, following behind Lex and his train of attorneys. She looked distraught, to say the least, and Arlene understood. With all of the problems she had with her mother and the idolization of Lex in her family, she and Lex had always been very close. This wasn't a live broadcast, and Arlene thought perhaps Lena was back on campus; she wasn't sure if the girl was staying to finish out her year, or taking a leave of absence, or something else entirely. She made a mental note to check when Lena's next appointment was, to see if perhaps she could come in sooner and—

"Checking out the criminally insane Luthors, I see."

Arlene turned around to see Lena herself standing at her door, a venomous expression on her face.

"I assure you, my interest in this case has absolutely nothing to do with you."

"Oh really? Just morbid fascination with all of us, then?" Lena was on the defensive, and while Arlene understood, she couldn’t help the flare of rage that shot up and out in her words.

"He killed a relative of mine. Again. This isn't about you."

Lena visibly sagged, her eyes closing as if they could shut out the world around her.

"I'm sorry. I just... I'm sorry. That was completely uncalled for and I reacted inappropriately."

Arlene almost forgave her in that moment, almost let it go, but chose to move on instead. She turned her back on Lena, focusing on the calendar on her computer. "It says here your appointment isn't until next week. Is there a reason you're here today?"

Lena's eyes widened with uncertainty. "Um. I thought perhaps I could come and talk to you—it's been an incredibly difficult few days, and I—"

"I have another appointment in half an hour, so I can't give you a full time slot." Arlene's tone was harsh, she knew, but it almost felt like she couldn't help it. Lena was absolutely not to blame for her brother's sins. She knew this logically. But the emotional connection she had to Lex, and the knowledge that they were absolutely going to be talking about the murderous criminal—well, it was too much for Arlene to handle at the moment. She should have asked for today off.

"Oh. Okay." Lena turned to leave when Arlene stopped her.

"Sit down. We can talk for a bit, and I can see if we can move your appointment up."

Lena turned silently again, and sat in her designated chair. Tense silence followed for a few moments.

"I'm sorry about what he did. I don't have the words to explain it, and I didn't know it was happening, but I know that can't make it better." Lena's words tumbled clumsily out, and it seemed as if this was something she'd had to say over and over again recently—something she still hadn't gotten used to saying.

Arlene nodded wordlessly. She wasn't responding appropriately to Lena at the moment, wasn't fulfilling her duties as a therapist, someone who was supposed to listen to and help the girl, but her grief was overwhelming. She was furious, and opening her mouth right now would mean taking out her rage on the girl who'd done nothing but live with the man who killed her cousin. So she said nothing.

Nervously, Lena scuffed her shoes on the floor and fiddled with the ends of her hair. "My mother has been actually somewhat helpful during this, she's been really trying to talk and is mourning this with me—"

"Seriously?" It was a strangled word that barely made it out of Arlene's mouth, barely made it past the filter she so carefully constructed for situations like these. But it was also the word that broke the dam.

"Your mother has been _helpful_? I would think that's something that doesn't exist in her vocabulary. She doesn’t care, Lena. She's just leaning on you right now because her golden child isn't available."

The hurt on Lena's face was palpable, but Arlene wasn't finished yet. "She'll never make this up to you. She's the one who did this to your brother, who drove him to be a fucking monster like this. She's manipulative and she's doing all of this on purpose. She's not capable of feeling remorse, or compassion, or any kind of empathy. Everything you're seeing from her right now is another lie."

Lena tried to cut in, "She apologized to me, we were talking about Lex and she apologized for making me feel like he always came first, she wanted to make this better—"

"She doesn't mean it, Lena. She doesn’t care. Not about you."

A sharp intake of breath from the girl stopped Arlene's fury. Oh god. She'd just taken this out on Lena for nothing, told the girl her mother didn't care about her. What on earth was she thinking? She quickly tried to backtrack, "That's not exactly what I mean, I'm sorry, let me clarify—"

"No, you were very clear." Lena spoke roughly, trying to hide the vulnerability she'd walked in with. "Don't worry, I've picked up exactly what you meant." She stood up, Arlene following suit. "I think it's best if I leave."

"Lee, I'm sorry, that's not what I meant—"

"What else could you have possibly meant? And _don't_ call me that." The girl's voice was raised enough to make the receptionist at the front desk peer over—she'd left the door open, Arlene realized, another black mark on the things she'd done wrong in the span of five minute. She gaped, trying to figure out an answer, trying to make up for the few words that caused deeper damage than she could possibly have known.

"That's what I thought." Bitter defeat and acceptance clouded Lena's tone, and the girl turned heel and left. She stopped briefly at the front desk, and Arlene could hear a muffled apology for her outburst. She felt unable to move—grief was a turbulent emotion, and she should have known better than to come in to work without giving herself time to heal.

But she was only human.

__________

Lena didn't show up to what would have been her final appointment with Arlene. She never called and never contacted the center or Arlene in any way. She finished her graduate degree via distance learning, and went to go work at LexCorp almost immediately. Arlene wrote several letters to her, to the only mailing address she could find. A letter of apology, trying to explain how terribly she had reacted and how sorry she was for hurting the young woman; she sent several copies and never got a response. A letter of condolence when Lex was sentenced, and another letter for her father's funeral a year later. She even sent a letter of congratulations when Lena was named CEO of LexCorp, and watched in admiration as the woman turned around the company's name and reputation. She never received a reply from Lena, and never saw her again after that fateful day in her office. 

That is, until the funeral of Lillian Luthor.

 

__________

_One month ago_

“My mother was an extraordinary woman.”

Lena cleared her throat and looked down, away from the cameras, away from the hungry eyes waiting for her to break down. This eulogy was the absolute last thing she wanted to do, and was likely the thing that was the least healthy for her to be doing during a grieving process—or so she imagined a therapist would tell her—yet here she was, the last surviving and free Luthor.

"She was an extraordinary woman." _You're repeating yourself, Luthor_ , she chided herself internally. She had no idea what to say about the woman she'd called mother for the vast majority of her life. They'd never been close, and the last few months of Lillian's life had estranged them even further. Still, it was her mother; even if she was fairly certain her mother had no affectionate feelings toward her, she felt incredibly guilty about the woman's death.

"She was a doctor, a mother, and a patriot. She leaves behind two children, myself, and my brother, Alexander, who most of you know better as Lex." _Who are you paying to write these speeches? Why are they being paid?_ She scanned the crowd, desperately searching for a friendly or even vaguely familiar face. Kara, of course, wasn't present; her best friend had sent deepest condolences and many, many bouquets of plumerias and donuts (she hadn't even known that they could have donut bouquets, but it was certainly her favorite condolence so far). Kara's excuse had been weak but she wasn't about to call out the woman on being Supergirl now, not when they both had more than enough on their respective plates. Her eyes strayed across the police protective team at the back of the crowd, and she flinched as she made eye contact with Maggie Sawyer, the detective who'd arrested her. She knew the woman was only doing her job, but, well, when someone helps one of your worst nightmares come true, you aren't going to feel great about them. She recognized several doctors her mother had worked with, all appropriately dressed in dark mourning colors; spotted an older bald man in sunglasses, flinching at the reminder of Lex; even saw Cat Grant sitting at the edges of the audience, expressionless and looking off to the side. Lena lost hope in finding anyone to focus on in the crowd, and resolved to look back down at her notes and force her way through the rest of the speech when—

Arlene.

She saw Arlene sitting in the crowd, in the midst of fake-crying mourners and press people. Arlene, the only person who really, truly understood what her mother was like, the conflicted emotions she had toward the parent who'd raised her and undercut her simultaneously. She hadn't seen Arlene in years, not since—not since Lex was arrested. A pang of resentment rose in her chest, but she pushed it down in favor of having a familiar—and friendly?—face to focus on. She set aside her notes, cleared her throat once more, and continued on.

"I know I'm one of several people who will be providing eulogies for my mother today, so I'll try to keep this short. I'm very grateful for everyone who has showed up to pay their respects to my mother and family today, and I consider this a last bit of family togetherness." She breathed in slowly, maintaining control of the swirl of emotions in her chest.

"My mother taught Lex and I how to succeed, how to come out on top, regardless of the barriers that others may place in your way. For one of us, this actually ended up being good advice." Thankfully, a few titters from the audience.

"She taught me how to play the piano, holding my hands in the right place, coming to every recital to watch her only musically gifted child play. She helped me figure out that I wanted to go into engineering, and as much as she resented the engineering field for attracting more attention over biology, she respected and supported my decision. She valued education, and wanted to place women ahead of the game when it came to STEM fields and research. She has created a legacy of women who look up to her exclusively because of her prowess in science, in research, and in philanthropy."

"My mother and I had a complicated relationship, which many of you are aware of. Some of this is because we were almost too similar. We both have strong, powerful personalities. We come across to people as blunt, cold, and even ruthless at times. I inherited her determination and drive, the will that makes both of us a force to be reckoned with. Privately, we are both terribly bossy in the kitchen, and have firm opinions on driving directions. She once argued with me for four hours on whether I should have taken a right or left turn coming out of our neighborhood, and that was when my father began teaching me how to drive instead."

Again, a few laughs; Lena relaxed a bit, and focused on Arlene, who was now smiling encouragingly at the younger woman.

"Much of our conflict, however, was because we were incredibly different in some key respects. My memories of her cannot be recalled without the knowledge that she held prejudice in her heart, supported things I could never bring myself to support. I want to acknowledge that I believe it is important to speak truth of the dead, and that I can never stand for what my mother believed in."

Murmurs spread throughout the audience, and looks were exchanged between attendees. Lena decided to move on from the disparaging-Mom portion of her eulogy, and finish quickly.

"That being said, I do believe I learned a great deal from my mother, both from our similarities and what we clashed over. She taught me how to stay true to my opinions and beliefs, and I attribute much of my success today to her influence. While I have not been a major part of my mother's life for a number of years, I often wonder how she would react to the manner in which I live my life today. In the mess of emotions that surround our relationship, especially in the last few months, I have found a way to return to the memories of my mother that I can still appreciate. Learning how to bake bread, how to use a sled, the way she listened to me playing the piano for her. I am able to move past some of the demons I inherited from my mother, and move forward with the valuable lessons she passed on."

With that, Lena dipped her head in conclusion at the crowd, and passed the microphone to the next speaker—an old colleague of Lillian's. The rest of the service passed by in a blur, and as Lena shook hands with the last few people who came to pay their respects, she spotted Arlene coming up behind them. She bid them farewell quickly, and went to go meet with the woman who had been such an important part of her life several years before.

"Good speech," Arlene said by way of greeting. "I think you made them uncomfortable, though."

"That was the goal, to be honest," Lena admitted, a bashful smile making its way onto her face. The first time she'd really smiled in days, to be honest. "It's good to see you again."

Arlene smiled, and the tears in her eyes became apparent. "You too." She pulled the younger woman into a hug, and the two stayed like that for some time. As they separated, Arlene's words flooded out.

"Lena, I'm so sorry. I know it's been years and I don't want to dredge up bad memories, but I just want to apologize for the horrible things I said to you that—that day in my office. It was completely inappropriate and unprofessional, and I crossed the line, and I'm so sorr—"

"It's fine, Arlene. I understand why it happened. I forgave you a long time ago." Lena smiled as she spoke, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Arlene tilted her head in the way that Lena recognized as her 'therapy position,' and Lena cut in before Arlene could say anything. "Okay, I know what you're going to say. I don't know that I _don't_ forgive you, it's just not something that comes up very frequently in my mind and I try not to think about it and I'm mostly just happy to see you at the moment."

Arlene laughed, much softer than she used to in their old sessions. "There's the Lena I know, getting ahead of me with the therapy talk. I'm not asking you to forgive me, Lee. I just wanted to make sure you knew I was sorry." She used Lena's old nickname gently, cautiously, as if she was afraid Lena might make her take it back. "I sent some letters, but I wasn't sure if you ever got them."

"I did. I just didn't ever open them. I was...angry, I suppose, and I felt like I was getting some sort of revenge by refusing to open them." Lena almost sounded embarrassed by her actions, but Arlene nodded in acknowledgment.

"Honestly, that's fair. I said some very unkind things to you, and I just want you to know that I'm sorry."

"It's oka—," Lena stopped at the counselor's raised eyebrow, and amended her statement. "I _accept_ your apology." She added, quietly, "I don't think I can forgive you right now."

"I can live with that if you can. I would like to maybe see you again. As friends, perhaps?" The hopeful tone in Arlene's voice was laced with diffidence, uncertainty about Lena's true feelings.

"I would love that. I seem to have a dearth of time at the moment, but I'll move things around." The two shared a knowing look, and continued to walk in companionable silence until Arlene suggested something.

"Maybe now would be a good time to take a break, get out of town. Lots of vultures out at the moment, and honestly, I would avoid them if I were you. There's never a good time to take a vacation, but if what I've heard about the famous Lena Luthor is correct, you don't really take vacations anyway." 

Lena laughed at the absurdity of the proposal, but quickly sobered as she considered it. "That's...actually not a terrible idea." 

"You could even invite a friend. Not me, obviously, but it would be good to take some time with someone who isn't going to press you on all of this."

Lena nodded slowly, already mapping out a plan in her head. "I think I might already have someone in mind."

 

__________

 

_Present time_

Lena somehow ended up back at the hotel, after realizing she'd been driving for almost four hours straight. She had never left the city boundaries, but was driving up and down the streets of Lewistown, blankly staring across the neighborhoods and avenues her mother had grown up on. She thought of Arlene, of her therapy appointments, of all the almost-breakthroughs she'd had concerning her mother. She thought about Lillian, about Lex, and even about Lionel, reflecting on how they ended up influencing who she was. Mostly, however, she thought about Kara, and what she was going to say when she saw her next. She'd finally understood what to say as soon as she pulled in, and smugly patted herself on the back for incredibly convenient timing.

As she walked up to their room, Lena searched her purse for her hotel card—unable to find it, she raised a hand to knock on the door, which was now suddenly open. She instead stood face-to-face with Kara. The Kryptonian looked much better now than she had earlier today, but her eyes were still somewhat swollen, and she was wearing a ratty hoodie and too-short sweatpants.

"Hi," Kara breathed out. "Sorry. I heard you coming up, and I realized I still had the key, so..."

"Hey." Lena greeted, with a small smile meant to reassure her friend. "Can I come in?"

Kara stepped aside too quickly, fidgeting, turning her hands over and over as Lena placed her things on the bed. As Lena took her coat off, Kara seemed to make a decision about where to be and where to have her hands, plunking down on her bed and clutching onto the pocket of her sweatshirt. Lena breathed in slowly, making sure she had her emotions under control before saying anything to Kara. 

"So." 

"Yeah?" Kara was anxious and on edge; this wasn't exactly what Lena had wanted from her, but she supposed she couldn't control every part of the situation.

"I want to see it."

Kara looked confused, tilting her head to the side and asked, "See what?"

"The scar. I know it scarred, I watched it heal. When you flew in that night, it was still bleeding—I didn't realize you even could bleed, honestly, let alone scar." Lena realized she was about to go off on a tangent, and stopped herself. "I want to see where she tried to kill you."

The confusion only deepened the crinkle in Kara's forehead, but she complied with Lena's request. Standing up, she walked over to Lena while pulling up her sweatshirt. She didn't have a tank top or a shirt or anything underneath, and Lena shivered involuntarily—it must be colder than she thought. Kara stopped in front of her, displaying the healed wound only a foot or two away.

It was a deep scar, Lena could see as much. It started in her back and went through to the front of her abdomen. The whiteness of it marred her otherwise tanned skin, and Lena ran a thumb across it, feeling the lumpy tissue. It was drier, and colder than the skin on her stomach. Lena leaned in to brush her lips against it before she could even realize what she was doing, and both women jerked away from each other, Kara in surprise, and Lena in embarrassment. Lena looked away as Kara jerked her sweatshirt down, red in her cheeks.

"I don't usually scar from anything. I only have this, and a little scar on my forehead from when... from Krypton," Kara offered. "Alex said she thought it was because it was Kryptonite, or because I just kinda let it heal without coming to see her first." Seeing Lena's blank expression, she hurried on. "It doesn't bother me, and it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just there."

Lena closed her eyes, still able to feel the warmth of Kara's skin on her lips, still feeling Kara's anxiety in the air, newly feeling wetness on her cheeks.

“I don't think I can forgive you yet. Not right now."

Opening her eyes, she glanced sideways at Kara, who again, looked confused.

"I would never ask you to."

"It's not that I won't ever, it's just—" Lena pressed two fingers to the middle of her forehead, sighing. "I know she tried to kill you. Essentially, she started it. I also know that she apparently declared before her death that she didn't care about me, and that I wasn't her daughter." She pushed on past Kara's aghast expression; the hero was clearly regretting reciting every detail of her encounter in Stagg Tower. "So I have no actual reason to be upset over this situation. She was a terrible mother, and I didn't lose a person who loved me."

Lena had started crying after seeing the scar on Kara's stomach, but Kara hadn't wanted to react for fear of scaring Lena into silence. Now that she was crying more freely, Kara decided it was time to take action. She sat next to Lena, and grabbed her hand.

"She was still your mother."

"I know, she was, but—" a fresh sob racked Lena's body, rendering her unable to speak. Kara held onto Lena's hand for dear life, rubbing circles over the back of her hand, trying to push warmth and love and regret and everything she felt into her touch. They sat together while Lena tried to pull herself together, and as Lena's sniffles quieted, she let go of Kara's hand.

Wordlessly, the two separated, and got ready for bed. Kara kept shooting worried looks at Lena, but Lena steadfastly ignored her, knowing that she had to work through some of this without Kara, without Arlene, without anyone—just doing this by herself. A few minutes after turning the lights off, Lena finally spoke to Kara once more.

“You’d think I would be over it by now, you know? I shouldn’t still be beating myself up about everything that’s happened with her, with my entire family. I've known for forever that she didn't really love me, but I keep forcing myself to think that maybe there's something I could have done to change it. That somehow all of this is my fault."

Kara nodded, trying to think of something to say apart from "it's not your fault." Finally, she remembered something Eliza would say to her as a kid, when she had survivor's guilt about leaving Krypton, about leaving her parents and her family and her friends to die.

"There is no statute of limitations on self-imposed pain." Kara had no idea how Lena was taking this statement and didn't want to invade her privacy by looking at her through the dark, so she offered more. "Eliza always told me that whenever I couldn't stop feeling guilty about Krypton. You can't force yourself to get over it. This has to be at your own pace, and that can take as long as you want, you know?"

Lena paused for a long moment before answering. "Thank you. I'm going to go to sleep, I think. Good night, Kara."

 "Good night, Lena."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, sorry again for an unintentionally long break between chapters. Hope the extra long chapter made up for it! As always, please leave a comment if you would like, since they're the motivation that keeps me going. You can find me on [tumblr](http://lesbiansupporter.tumblr.com) here, if you want to see lots of gifs and character analysis or if you want to complain in my general direction. I probably won't respond if you complain though, so compliments are probably better.


	8. Hidden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena and Kara get back on the road, and head to Yellowstone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've returned. Sorry for the extremely long hiatus-I'll make it up to you all best I can.

_Daily Eyewitness_

_BREAKING NEWS--_

_An unusual gas station explosion has rocked the suburb of Rosemary Hills, west of National City. NC police are investigating after a man crashed his car into the side of the building, seemingly by accident. Police received a call from a concerned customer, who reported that the man had gotten out of the car clutching his head, screaming for everyone to ‘get down.’ Moments of silence passed on the recorded 911 call as the caller obeyed the man’s directions, followed by the screeching of metal as several pumps were severed nearly in half by an unseen and unknown force. The resulting sparks caused a fire and subsequent explosion at each pump. Five people were hospitalized with burns and smoke inhalation, but fortunately, all have since been released. No deaths were reported at this time, which the police have attributed to rapid response time on behalf of the city’s first responders. Tom Lucas, owner of the Stop-n-Go station, said the fire alarm went off simultaneously as the filling stations were destroyed, notifying the fire department and emergency dispatch._

_The man who crashed his car into the gas station is assumed to be the culprit behind the damage done to Stop-n-Go and the resulting injuries. However, the method in which he committed these crimes is still unknown. One eyewitness reported that he saw the man only holding his hands against his own head, with no weapon of any kind in sight. After the explosion occurred, the man’s whereabouts were lost in the chaos. There was a significant amount of property damage, but nothing was stolen or missing from the Stop-n-Go station as far as owner Lucas could tell. Rosemary Hills resident Tess Spates, who was present at the station at the time of the explosion but was wholly unharmed, described the situation as not “feeling right.”_  

_“It didn’t really seem like he meant to do it. He crashed his car, right, and we was worried ‘cuz he was yelling and he looked hurt. It was like he knew something was gonna happen but it wasn’t his fault. It didn’t feel right. It just didn’t feel right.”_

_Authorities are continuing to look into this case as it develops. If you have any information on the whereabouts of the suspect in this case or the incident itself, please call the NCPD Hotline._

 

* * *

 

Kara woke up with an emotional hangover, muddled by her relief at revealing a secret and the dread that anticipated a greater reaction from Lena. She felt stuck somewhere between the awkwardness of the morning after a hookup and the grief of the day after a funeral: both residual emotions, yet somehow having more of an impact than their origins. Groaning softly, Kara stretched and half-opened her eyes, finding an empty room and an unmade bed next to hers. For one terrible fleeting moment, Kara wondered if Lena had left her here, had decided to go home after finding out her best friend was a liar. A killer. Her sudden panic was quickly ended when she spotted a text from Lena flashing on her phone, notifying her that she’d just gone to get breakfast. Kara exhaled slowly and flopped back down into bed, briefly feeling guilt that she would think Lena would ever run away from her. Lena was a better person than that. She would never abandon Kara, or leave her without an explanation, or lie to her. Not like Kara had done, repeatedly.

She would have deserved Lena leaving. 

Shutting her eyes tightly, she imagined closing out the world for a day, or two, or perhaps three… sliding into a space where reality couldn’t touch her, where she could exist dreamlessly, forgetting about past mistakes and their consequences, slipping out of existence. She pictured herself in the Phantom Zone, but as her present self--not quite conscious or unconscious in a pod, drifting, living out her punishment in the purgatory of the barren zone. Kara felt a familiar shiver as she pictured the cold blanket of the void swallowing her pod, her body, her mind….

“Rise and shine, Kara.” Lena’s voice roused her from dozing. The brunette held out a small grease-stained bag, and the smell of donuts forced Kara awake further. Her hands snapped out automatically, eagerly grabbing the bag while Lena suppressed a smug grin. While Kara dove into the donuts, Lena busied herself in finishing packing all of their things, breezing through the room. The CEO seemed to have vacuum sealed her emotions from the night before, as she took on Kara’s usual role of filling early morning silence with chatting and joking, accepting the blonde’s half-hearted answers with determined enthusiasm. Kara quickly finished eating and helped finish Lena’s packing, careful to move at a human speed--she wasn’t sure why, but she felt highly aware of her own speed and strength today, and didn’t want to remind Lena of it. Checkout followed, and Kara and Lena hit the road once more.

 

* * *

 

They drove slowly--well, relative to Lena’s average speed on the highway--along the mountain roads, cutting through the wispy fog. Lena was a cautious driver, if not always strictly obedient to speed limits. Kara had given up trying to enforce the law from her passenger seat over a week ago, after pointed retorts from Lena asking for her badge. The two had started the drive in companionable silence, but Kara was itching to talk, to take her mind off the constant replays of past traumas, of what she could have done differently. The problem was, she was struggling to come up with any topic that she couldn’t relate back to Lillian’s death, to her lies to Lena, to everything that had gone wrong in her life in the past several months. She cursed her self-centeredness--not for the first time today--and worked her jaw trying to come up with something to say.

Lena, thankfully, took the lead.

“Do your ears pop?”

Kara blinked in surprise, and yawned as she realized how muted Lena’s voice had become. “Of course.”

A smirk played along the corner of Lena’s mouth, and Kara rolled her eyes. “Hm. That’s not very superhero-like." 

“I can do a lot of things, Lena. I can’t do everything.”

“Faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap a building in a single bound--”

“I can fly, it’s not--”

“Yet she can’t overcome the simple pressure imbalance that we mere humans must deal with? Perhaps Supergirl isn’t quite as super as once thought. I’ll have to get an ace reporter on this case.”

Lena looked at Kara out of the corner of her eyes and waggled her eyebrows with a grin. Kara’s eye rolling dissolved into a snort of laughter, and the brunette hummed through her smile. Lena’s playful jab punched a hole in the bubble of tension rising in Kara’s throat, and she realized the unspoken policy of today: they would speak about what Kara had revealed when Lena chose to, and not sooner.

Kara could live with that.

She grinned--only partly forced--and their normal banter returned, with Kara asking who taught her how to drive through mountains so poorly-- “I’m answering the call of the open road, Kara,”--and Lena sharing stories of Lionel teaching her to drive, of Lex white-knuckling in the backseat behind them while Lena drove just slightly too close to the curb. Kara responded with the story of how she broke Alex’s first car, by braking too hard and _maybe_ stomping through the bottom of the eleven-year old sedan, and how was she supposed to know that she didn’t need to come to a dead stop at yellow lights? Lena’s uproarious laughter left a distinct dimple in her cheek, one that Kara lingered on perhaps for a moment too long—she'd noticed it before, but had never stopped to appreciate how distinctly beautiful it made Lena's smile. She quickly blinked back to attention, and the story swapping of their childhoods continued as Lena drove over the gray hump of mountainous roads toward Yellowstone.

They didn’t talk about Lillian. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Still don’t understand why you didn’t want to stay at the park, it’s not like you couldn’t afford it.” Kara grunted with false exertion as she hefted their bags into the three-bedroom cabin Lena had purchased--not rented, _purchased_. Lena shrugged airily as she stepped over the threshold into the cabin.

"Just can't live without the internet. I need to check the news. Life still happens even when we aren't around it, Kara." She playfully nudged the blonde, who stumbled exaggeratedly, hand splayed across her chest.

"Lena! You made me spill water out of the cooler. What if this cabin doesn't have running water or something? We could die. Wasting away from dehydration."

"Oh please. I bought a cabin, not a shed. It's been inspected and everything. And it's not my fault you're too clumsy to hold it together." Lena's eyes sparkled mischievously as she gestured at the puddle near the door. "Now how am I supposed to get the rest of our things?" 

Kara's broad smile had Lena immediately regretting her words. One large step forward, and Lena's feet were suddenly off the ground, as Kara swept her upwards bridal-style. The hero, oblivious to Lena's sudden flush, sped them both quickly through the open door—over the threshold, Lena recognized the irony and refused to acknowledge it—and smirked back at the woman in her arms. Her gleeful expression faded to puzzlement as Lena avoided eye contact, clearing her throat, until a small "oh," punctuated Kara's realization. Lena wobbled as her heels hit the ground once more, straightening her posture and smoothing back her ponytail, pointedly not looking at the red creeping up Kara's neck. The other woman's hands clenched and unclenched almost apologetically, as if they weren't sure what to do, until she could no longer see them out of the corner of her eye. Kara had quickly grabbed the rest of their things from the car and sped them into the cabin, too fast for Lena to see. The blonde's disappearance relaxed Lena enough to allow herself a soft, embarrassed smile, as she ran her hands along her arms, where Kara had held her up effortlessly. It had felt nice, if a bit odd; she could still feel how much warmer Kara's hands and body were than her own, although it was likely only a few degrees difference between herself and the Kryptonian. Still. The warmth, the strength...it was nice. 

"Hey, I know we just got here, but we're gonna miss the guided tour if we don't head over to the inn soon. I mean. I could get us there faster, but I'm assuming you want to drive over." Lena looked up to find Kara returned to the doorway, awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. "Uh, so, wanna get going?"

Lena stared for a moment, still mulling over the brief bridal carry neither of them were acknowledging. Kara was wearing her glasses, but they'd slipped down near the tip of her nose, and pieces of hair had loosened themselves from the twist Kara had put her hair up in this morning. Her hoodie sleeves were rolled up to her elbows. By all accounts, she looked as if she had just finished working out, but she wasn't even breaking a sweat; of course she wasn't, Lena couldn't imagine what would make her actually need to cool off. Lena's gaze moved slowly upward until they landed on a slight crinkle between Kara's brows—oh, she had paused for more than a moment, she needed to actually respond—

"Right. Yes. Yeah. Let's go."

 

* * *

 

 

"In the distance, just south of us, you might be able to see the Yellowstone Caldera if you squint! This was created by a volcano eruption about 640,000 years ago. The volcano is actually still active, but it hasn't happened in about 70,000 years. However, you can never quite tell exactly when a volcano will erupt, so who knows—maybe we'll see a volcano eruption or lava flow from there in our lifetime." Their tour guide, Tamika, conveyed this information with a giant smile on her face, as if she wasn't discussing a giant and potentially catastrophic event. "There's nothing we can totally do to prevent something like that, but we would definitely know in advance if it were going to happen, so I wouldn't worry too much about it."

Lena snickered and looked over at Kara, who looked mildly bemused.

"I love tour guides who scare children," she murmured, stealing a glance at the five year old who was currently anxiously asking her parents questions about lava. Kara looked over and muffled a laugh, whispering back, "I like it even more when they scare the adults," jamming her thumb over her shoulder toward the worried elderly couple near the back of their group. They had started hiking with this tour group about two hours ago at a steady pace, and Tamika had shown no lapses in energy. Lena and Kara were thankfully able to easily keep up, but the speed combined with the not-so-fun facts of the tour were keeping their fellow group members on their toes.

"I wonder if Supergirl could stop a volcanic explosion. I'm betting probably not," Lena teased, just to watch the rise of color in Kara's cheeks. Before the blonde could retort in her own defense, Tamika spoke up, having caught Lena's barb.

"Supergirl could probably beat a volcano. She certainly moves faster, and that freezy-breath thing she's got going on would definitely be helpful." Kara beamed at her while Lena rolled her eyes. The guide blushed, explaining, "Sorry, I'm a bit of a Supergirl fan. She's pretty cool!" As the young woman turned, Kara stuck her tongue out at Lena, clearly basking in her own glory.

They continued walking for another twenty minutes, listening to Tamika's endless fun-fact tour, until they were forced to slow down due to a crowd gathering about a hundred yards out.

“Looks like we might have a bit of a bear jam up ahead.” Tamika craned her neck as she stood on her tiptoes, trying in vain to see past the tour group on the trail ahead of them. The group slowed to a halt, everyone secretly grateful for the brief respite from their rapid pace through the park.

“Bear jam?” Lena asked curiously, leaning on Kara as she fixed the heel of her boot.

“Ah, bears can sometimes be pretty hard to find in the park, so when one person sees one, usually a whole group congregates. Actually, you might be able to see one from here--looks like a male black bear, maybe, younger by the size of him.” The whole group’s gaze followed as Tamika pointed off into the distance, near the boundary of a heavily wooded area. Well--the entire group except Lena, who instead watched Kara. Kara’s eyes were lit up with wonder at the thought of seeing a _bear_ \--she’d confided in Lena about her lack of experience with animals, her fear of harming them, and she’d had briefly touched on how few animals had been left in the wild on Krypton. Lena smiled warmly at her friend’s joy, and returned her attention to the guide’s narration.

“Hopefully the other group will take its turn quickly, and we’ll get over there to see the bear! For right now, though, let’s take a quick break, and I can tell you guys about the history of bears in the park.”

Tamika carried on for some time, discussing the origins of Yellowstone and how people had originally dealt with bears, especially as they started to attack the livestock in the region. Kara was likely listening, Lena mused as she stole glances at the blonde, but her attention was clearly on the snuffling bear they could now see from some ways away. From what Lena could tell, it was a smaller bear, black-ish in color, and its head was buried in brambles along the forest line. Probably a black bear, she assumed, but she posed the question of its species to Tamika anyway.

“Yes, you’re correct! Looks like a younger male black bear to me, but you can’t always tell just based on their coloring.” The guide was clearly excited, if a bit nervous, to answer this question, especially since she finally had managed to arrest Kara’s attention as well. “Black bears do tend to be a bit smaller than grizzlies, but it’s hard to tell what really qualifies as smaller if you don’t have another bear to compare it to.” Titters from the cloud bolstered the young woman’s confidence, and she became more animated as she continued. “We usually recommend in bear encounters that people look for a hump on the bear’s back. If the bear has a hump, near its shoulders, it’s a grizzly. If it doesn’t, it’s a black bear.”

“Why does it matter which kind of bear it is in a bear encounter? Shouldn’t you just run?” A child, no older than 8 or 9, frowned up at the guide. He’d been asking questions throughout the tour, and while Tamika was doing her best to answer, it was clear she was beginning to be frustrated with the interruptions.

“Actually, you should probably try to avoid running until the bear isn’t near you anymore. They definitely can run faster than you, and they might think you’re prey if you start to run away from them. We have a saying for what to do when you come face-to-snout with a bear: if it’s black, attack. If it’s brown--a grizzly--lie down. And if it’s white,” Tamika paused with a dramatic flourish and grinned wickedly down at the kid, “good night.”

The boy flushed red and took a step back from the fence he had been a bit too close to, while the group laughed. Kara laughed as well, but it was tinged with a bit of sympathy for the boy, as if she, too, had been the one asking too many questions once. The group moved as a herd, stumbling a bit by their closeness, as Tamika moved them slowly towards a better viewpoint of the bear.

“You’ll all be pleased to hear that it’s pretty uncommon for people to encounter bears at all, and we have very few bear attacks on record. Bears tend to avoid people, but they do like to go after livestock still. Actually, livestock attacks are part of the reason why Yellowstone is currently opening up conversations on managing the bear population with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.”

Lena watched the smile run away from Kara’s face, her expression tightening. She spoke through gritted teeth: “Managing the population?”

The group, who had been bustling and conversational before, suddenly fell quiet. It was getting to the point where Lena could tell when Kara was using her “Supergirl voice,” and the hero’s command was present now in Kara’s question.

Tamika wilted under Kara’s glare. “Uh. Um, yes, managing the population. Grizzly bears have recently been taken off of the endangered species list, and Yellowstone has discussed controlling the population in specific regions, they’ve been working with several organizations like different state wildlife agencies, the NRA--”

“The NRA?!” Kara’s voice pitched up in volume, and Tamika almost seemed to flinch. “Why would any non-partisan organization _ever_ discuss something with the NRA? Why would anyone even _consider_ killing these animals? You don’t use their fur, you don’t eat their meat, you don’t need them for anything--they would be killing them for _sport,_ for _trophies._ ”

The anger threading its way through the hero’s response was unnerving, and--Lena hesitated to even it--a bit of an overreaction? She would never say this to Kara, of course, but she just--she knew Kara ate meat, she knew Kara wasn’t particularly environmentalist, and she didn’t know where this reaction was coming from. It’d happened so quickly. The pure fury that etched into the corners of her mouth had destroyed the laughter that’d been there just a moment ago.

Tamika opened her mouth to respond, to mollify-- 

“I don’t understand how you people do this. I don’t understand why we would need this much control.” Kara bit off the end of her last words, cutting off her own diatribe, and pressed her lips together quickly. A moment of quiet bewilderment passed, and then: “Sorry. I just. I get overwhelmed by this sort of thing.”

Tamika nodded slowly, still a little cautious. “It’s okay. It happens. And I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t really agree with the conversations opening up either. I understand why, I guess, with the livestock issue and people wanting to feel safe, but I don’t want them to do it either. Nothing has happened yet, so we’ll just hope for the best solution for everyone.” Kara nodded slowly throughout her response, and the group relaxed simultaneously. The guide cleared her throat, and pointed the group toward the binoculars to see the bear as it ambled along.

Kara turned as well, following the group, but for the second time in several minutes, Lena found herself watching the blonde instead. It took more than a few moments, but her expression was slowly reformatting itself: jaw unclenched, expression softened, forehead cleared of lines. If anyone else had looked at her, Lena figured they would only see neutrality, perhaps relaxation. But there was something still raw and boiling behind her eyes. And as Lena nudged her shoulder questioningly, it clicked, as Kara flashed her one bright, brilliant grin.

There was anger hidden behind her smile.

Kara was always this angry. She was always struggling to contain this rage. An image of Kara burning holes in buildings with a glare flashed through Lena’s mind, followed by an internal montage of the hero’s fists crushing cars, concrete--people--as if they were made of sand. She’d forgotten exactly how much anger Kara was capable of having. Or that she was capable of anger at all.

For a split second, meeting Kara’s eyes and seeing that fury made her afraid. Who knew what would happen if Kara, one day, just snapped? A woman with this much power, this much strength, and so many enemies to take it out on? What if she managed to fall into the line of fire of a truly inimitably furious Kara Danvers? She almost let herself fall into that fear, almost looked away, and yet--

A woman able to access that much strength, with so much history of pain and fury and its consequences, was also a  woman who was still able to exude as much positivity as Kara did, and does. She had to overcome this anger every day, every moment. And some days, Lena was certain, Kara would slip up. But hopefully, she’d have someone to talk to, rather than something to destroy. 

Lena met that angry smile, that barely repressed rage, and smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a long hiatus for this fic, so I hope you'll stick with me. I've got the next chapter written already, and I have the rest of the story finally fully plotted out. You can find me on [tumblr](http://lesbiansupporter.tumblr.com) here if you'd like to ask questions or follow me or whatever. Hope you enjoyed the update! Next chapter or two will be lots of character diving, some history, and perhaps even a little romance?


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